His Absence Is Everywhere
by Zosie
Summary: Bella met Edward in Junior year at Forks High. Seven years later, and they are blissfully happy, married, ready for a family. Edward went  for cigarettes and never came home.  He now lives in a coven of vampires, the Cullens. Can he ever return to Bella?M
1. Chapter 1

**Okay, I had Edward nagging at me all night to start this story. I refused, I have 3 stories on the go and want to end them first but he nagged. I pointed out, I have written him virginal, manwhore, doctor, loverat, vampire,sex addict, rockstar, there is nothing left. And he told me this little scenario. So, I will put up one chapter and if you readers like it, I will continue when he helps me finish a couple of the other stories, and not before, hear that Edward! Please review if you want this to continue.**

The Absence Of Him Is Everywhere.

Chapter One/Prologue

Gone (I'm Just Going To The Shop To Get Some Cigarettes.)

Bella's Story

I walked into what had become known as the Wedding Gallery Room, in the house Edward and I had watched being built from scratch, waiting for us to move into after the wedding.

I think all brides have a tiny fear he won't turn up, but I knew Edward would be there, maybe the night before, just to make sure he was there on time. Walking down the aisle all I saw was the smile on his face, the look of pure adoration and love in his eyes, the joy and happiness he had radiated ever since I agreed to become his wife.

Step by step I got closer, my arm linked with Charlie's, my dad looking handsome and almost regal in his black tux, the smile on his face genuine. He had come to like Edward, and accept this was where my future lay.

I look at the photos, the photographers got us from every angle, me smiling at Edward, tears pouring down my face, I was so happy to be there. Him, looking like his life until that moment was just filling in time, now it really began.

My favorite photo, us standing, facing each other, his hands on my hips, mine on his waist, our foreheads touching, both of us smiling into each others eyes. A moment in time, never to be forgotten.

Others, of me entwined in his arms, he standing behind, towering over me, my five foot four inches in front of his six foot three inches. His chin rests on top of my head. We are both smiling, delirious that the day had finally come and we belonged to each other legally, we always had belonged spiritually and mentally. His arms encircle me, like I am the most precious thing in his world, and I know I am. Was.

Maybe I still am, how do I know?

The photos of the guests, our friends, the girls from High School, college, work, all watching, their faces clearing envious of us and our unique, unbreakable connection, they all wanted what we shared.

To say he completed me is trite and understating the truth. He is me, I am him, we are us, we are one.

The honeymoon photos show us, lying on deck chairs, in the sun, hats and sunscreen on, by the pool, on the beach, dancing close, cheek to cheek in the club at night, eating dinner in the restaurant, buying clothes and trinkets at the markets.

We met the day I arrived back in Forks after two long, boring years in Arizona, where I lived with my Mom and then her new husband, Phil. The problems started straight away. For a start, my Mom chose a man much nearer my age than hers, so everyone assumes we are the couple and she is the parent of one of us, which she is, but she is the spouse of the other.

It irked her greatly and she started dressing like a teen, copying my own style, whatever I bought, she would rush out and buy in her size, and the sight of her turning up at High School dressed in a short, pleated tartan skirt and white blouse, tied below her fairly exposed breasts, bobby sox and Mary Jane's, I felt almost ill. Not only was I dressed in identical clothes, I wore my blouse tucked in at the waist of my somewhat longer skirt, and I looked like the sensible, adult version, and she like the slutty teen.

I was mortified, especially when a few of the boys who sneered at me and called me "Virgin Swan", started joking and saying my Mom just went to the top of their MILF lists.

"Bella, honey, over here" she called, and I looked at the ground as I walked towards her. I knew I was bright red.

"I have been talking to your friends, Scotty, Craig, Nathan, and Matthew, that's right, isn't it? Bella, what's a MILF? I don't get all this lingo you young people speak, but Matthew called me his favorite MILF, so I agreed and said he was a sweetheart. Now, what's a MIlf? I want to write this in my diary tonight, such a nice boy. You should bring him home, you should bring them all home. Lovely boys."

"Mom, a MILF is a Mother I Want to Fuck! Are you happy now?"

I turned my usual bright red and bolted to the car. I don't care if I get detention for leaving without attending Roll Call, they can mark me absent. I would rather be anywhere but here.

My mother laughed and winked at Matthew, and I cringed and slipped down further in my seat.

Phil walked towards the car and a teacher walked over, here we go, I am about to be ordered back to class.

My Mom saw and started coming over as well.

"Bella Swan, tell your boyfriend here not to park his car in the Teacher's Car park. Shouldn't he be in school himself? Which school do you attend, boy?"

My mother stopped and her mouth fell open.

"This" I waved my hand towards Phil "is not my boyfriend, he is my stepfather. He looks like he could be my boyfriend because my mother is a cougar and married a twenty four year old. Yeah, a 24 year old who looks seventeen. It's an understandable mistake to make."

Renee was furious and she got into the car, and Phil jumped into the front passenger seat and looked scared, and remained quiet the whole way home.

"You are going to live with your father. I have had enough! Your boyfriend, what a joke! I may have married a younger man but you don't even date anyone at all, Bella. I think a whole new start is called for, I am ringing Charlie tonight. He can pay for the plane ticket. See how you like living with an old man, Bella, seeing my young husband is such an embarrassment for you."

I was so upset and mortified I actually wanted to go live with my Dad, who I hadn't seen for two years, seeing my mother had never let me go back to visit him.

Charlie had been thrilled to have me back, and Renee promptly stopped calling either one of us a week after I moved in.

I started at Forks High, in my Junior Year.

I noticed Edward Masen that first day, who could fail to? He was beyond gorgeous and I immediately regretted my own average looks because he was one beautiful creature.

Tall, slim, but strong, fit, a mass of the wildest copper hair that had never known a brush or comb, big green eyes, a mouth you wanted to kiss there and then, without even an introduction, and long fingers that sent my brain into the porn gallery in my mind as they felt places no man had felt before.

Shit.

I think my panties got a lot damp in that moment.

He was dressed in a ripped up pair of blue jeans, a black Tshirt with some old band on the front, and a sexy black leather jacket with red graffiti. His boots were black, shiny, and had chains around and under the soles. I knew there was black Harley in the carpark, I saw it as I drove my red clunker truck in, and now I knew who owned it.

Bella Swan, virgin and contemptuous of all males under adulthood, just got her head turned and her heart taken.

He smirked when I felt my mouth drop open in surprise, that anyone that good looking existed.

I blushed madly and hurried to the office.

"Welcome dear, we have all been so excited the Chief of Police's daughter was returning to Forks. Now, you will be starting Junior Year, we have your transcripts from your school in Arizona, and I will get you a studybuddy to show you around. Excuse me.

"Could someone from Mr Banner's class please come and collect our new student, Miss Isabella Swan, from the Office. Thank You."

I cringed, I was bound to get the class nerd. Or be the class nerd.

The gorgeous boy I had ogled dashed into the office and stood in front of the desk, smirking at me, and winking at the woman behind.

"I would be happy to be Isabella's studybuddy" he said, winking at her again.

"Edward, this is not a hook up center, go back to class and ask Angela to come and fetch Isabella, now."

He swaggered out, backwards, looking me over and approving of what he saw, a grin splitting his face.

Angela proved to be quiet, pretty, and thoughtful and she took me from class to class and to lunch, and I sat at her table and met her friends, their names going out of my head as soon as we were introduced.

"Jessica, Lauren, Eric, Mike, Tyler, Ben" I heard and forgot.

"Who is he?" I asked quietly, nodding at where Edward sat, with his group of cool friends, watching me and smirking when he caught me looking back.

"Edward Masen. Flirts, smirks, and doesn't go any further. Looks of a God, but it's all wasted" sighed the one with the frizzy ponytail, Jessica? "He's all look at me, I am beautiful, but no touching, you can't have me."

"Really?" I questioned, I would have thought a boy that good looking would be ploughing his way through the girls, three per night. I am sure he could have if he wanted to, there wasn't a girl who didn't flirt back, smile, simper in front of him.

He was like the sun and we were all the planets that gravitated towards him, circling around, getting close but not touching.

He smiled and joked and looked like he enjoyed himself but it was true, I never saw him touch a girl and I did see him duck back out of reach if any of them tried to touch or kiss him. He was literally eye candy.

Biology was boring as hell, I had already done all the work the teacher set and he soon noticed.

"Bella, I think I will move you to the back table, you seem too far advanced to be wasting your time doing this again. I have one other advanced student, you can sit with him and share his books, he is earning extra credits doing some work that's frankly far above the capabilities of the rest of these students. Follow me.

And he walked me straight into the lion's den, like a lamb to the slaughter.

Edward Masen.

He moved his books off the chair beside him, and pushed it out with his foot.

I slipped into it and found my eyes turn to his and we sat for a long, silent moment and just looked at each other.

He broke the tension by smiling a glorious, genuine smile and my heart met his and that was it. Together from that moment onwards.

And seven years later we married. We lived together when we went away to college and we considered ourselves man and wife, as did everyone else, nobody ever tried to come between us, they knew like we knew, it wouldn't happen.

My Dad was eager for us to tie the knot and make it official, my Mom was captivated with him and wanted him secured into the family, his parents, Edward Snr and Elizabeth, adored me and treated me like a daughter.

The honeymoon was amazing, we had shared our bodies with each other since Senior Year when we both turned 18 the same month, and it seemed impossible not to. There was no reason to wait until after college, when we married, it was always inevitable that was where this would evolve.

We were blissfully happy, crazy in love. We had careers just starting, we both had jobs we loved, I was teaching five year olds at the local school, he was interning at the hospital where Edward Snr was Chief of Medicine. It was perfect.

We had reached all our goals and had just set new ones.

To start a family in two years time, to be debt free by then, and I would be staying at home with our three children until the youngest started school. I longed for a son, like Edward. He longed for a daughter, like me. The third child we debated about, were two boys and one girl best, or two girls and one boy? We decided to just accept whatever we were blessed with, and talked excitedly about names, which we changed regularly.

Then, one day, Edward kissed me goodbye and got in his car to go buy a packet of cigarettes at the corner store.

He was giving them up, he wanted to be as healthy as possible before we conceived, and he had followed the cut down plan to the letter. This was to be his very last pack.

But he never came back.

Edward's Story

The pain was lessening at last, and I was astonished I had lived through it. I had been burning in the fires of Hell for days, and my body felt like it had been incinerated from the inside out. I shuddered and gasped, my heart was racing impossibly fast, and just as I figured, this is it, I will die now, my heart must burst under this pressure, it stopped. I mean, literally stopped.

Nothing.

No beating, no pulse, nothing.

The silence was deafening.

I opened my eyes and was assaulted by sights and sounds I had never noticed. Tiny dust particles floated in the air. The sunlight was refracted and I could see every color, hah, one more than the scientists had said.

The ceiling was painted white and every particle of paint stood alone, the brush strokes were easily seen.

A broken scrap of stray hair from a paintbrush, maybe a tenth of a quarter inch long, was as clear and noticeable as a coil of rope.

A voice spoke and I jumped, literally, and found myself on my feet across the room in an instance.

"Edward, don't be alarmed."

I was alarmed. Who was he? Who were these people? What was I doing here?

"We are all your friends, we will help you cope and learn."

Cope? Learn what?

The man who spoke looked at me kindly, his blond hair combed back, a white doctor's coat like that which my own father wore, over his neat clothing.

"_I hope he isn't going to be too wild, Emmett will restrain him physically if he has to but it seems words are working with him already. Strange."_

"No, don't let Emmett restrain me, use your words." I answered.

They all looked shocked at my words.

"Carlisle..."

"He read my mind. I merely thought I may need Emmett to restrain him if he went wild."

They edged closer.

There were six of them, three couples.

The blond man was the oldest and he had an auburn haired wife. The big guy had muscles everywhere and black curly hair. He was with a Barbie doll lookalike. The other male was similar to me in height and build, maybe a little shorter, six one, and the girl he was with was tiny, five foot, spiky haired, bright eyed.

"My name is.."

"Carlisle Cullen." I supplied. He had it ready to say, sitting in his brain. He was about to introduce the others so I read their names as well.

"Your wife Esme, your son Emmett, his wife Rosalie, your son Jasper, his wife Alice."

"That's right." he nodded.

"Your name is Edward Masen? It's on your driver's licence."

"Yes" I confirmed.

"Why am I here? Am I on drugs? I am seeing...things."

"No, not anything quite that simple. I had to change you. Do you remember what happened?"

I thought for a moment and a hundred thoughts whirred in my head at once.

"Whoa, no, I am on drugs. I can tell, I have friends who take drugs, they tell me what it's like, and this is it. What have you given me?"

"Nothing, I assure you but if it helps to adjust by thinking that way, continue."

"I drove to the corner store. You were there." I accused the blond man.

"I was" he agreed.

"Punks, three of them. Oh shit." I grasped my chest, the bullets had gone into my lungs, it hurt to breathe. Only now I didn't appear to be breathing.

I understood at last and smiled.

"Oh, I am dead. Right. This is Heaven. I kind of expected everyone to be in white flowing robes and have wings, you know? Too much propaganda. "

"Well, you are dead, in a manner of speaking. I know this is very hard to believe but you are dead but still on earth. Still in Forks, even.

"Forks is Heaven? Come on, maybe Hawaii or California, never Forks."

"No, you are right, Forks is a long way from Heaven. I saved you. I hope I did the right thing."

"Sure, you saved me but I am dead? Was I going to Hell? I don't think I did too much wrong, nothing too bad. Nothing to go to Hell for. I didn't even touch those lap dancers on my bachelor...Bella! Where's my wife? Where's Bella? I have to get home. Thanks for...whatever, I have to go. She will be worried, was I here long?"

"Three days, Edward."

"Three days? She will be hysterical. Can I borrow a car? I have to go to her and tell her I am okay. I have to go home."

"I'm sorry, Edward. That will be impossible for about a year."

"You can't keep me here. Is this some cult? Are you all crazy?"

"No, we are more a coven."

"Witches?"

"Vampires, Edward."

I laughed.

Morons.

I was clearly in the local insane asylum. I needed to stay calm and play along.

"So, who is the boss? Dracula? Is he here? "

"No, son, but I guess, I am the boss, if there has to be one. I am the oldest."

Numbers flashed in his head. Impossible numbers, dates, he was lying in his brain.

"No, don't worry yourself, age means little now. How old are you, Edward?"

"24" I replied.

"A good age, I hope you like being 24?"

"I suppose I do."

"Good, because you will be 24 for eternity."

"My wife is really going to want to get in on this, she thinks she will be over the hill at 30." I joked. Keep them happy, don't upset them, they may cut me up with blades and suck my blood out, they seem crazy enough.

I edged towards the door.

"It's been great, truly, lovely to meet you all, we have to do this again. Bella will love that dress you have on,uh, Alice, is it? Yeah, you tell her where you bought it, she will want one just like it."

Be nice, calm, friendly.

She was laughing at me in her head, flashes of images hit me. Me, climbing a tree but not the normal way, my hands and feet were grabbing on, scrambling up faster, sitting atop the very tip of the tree, looking over the panorama. Me, catching an animal, tackling it, biting it's neck, Good Lord, what drugs had they put me on? Me, sucking the throat of a mountain lion. Me, running up a mountain, so fast my legs were a blur. Me, breaking a tree with my bare hands, smashing it to woodchips.

Me, sitting in a tree, watching my father-in-laws house.

Watching Bella.

My wife.

She was laying, sobbing, on her old bed, in her old bedroom where she lived when we were in Junior and Senior years. She is curled into a ball, and the pain is radiating out from her little body. I have to go and tell her I am okay.

"You can't stop me, I have to go to Bella." I explained.

The girl with the spiky hair walked towards me and held my hands.

"Edward, look. If you go home now, this will happen."

Inside my head, images, flashes, me walking, carrying my Bella. She lay limply across my arms. She was clearly broken, dead? My face was distorted in agony but the tears that fell were not water. They were blood.


	2. Chapter 2

His Absence Is Everywhere

Chapter 2

Clueless

Bella's Story

My Dad stood in front of me, his hands uncharacteristically fidgeting, his eyes unable to meet mine.

"What?" I demanded.

"Bella, as we know, the usual corner store you two used was shut that day so Edward could not have entered. It was the day of the proprietor's fathers funeral so he had not opened at all, seeing he had to travel to another state. But police have been able to question the clerk from Franklins store, over on West. You know it got robbed by three punks , and the boy behind the counter was shot and in a coma?

He came out of it yesterday and we showed him a photo. Well, it seems Edward was in that store, too."

I looked at him and bit my lip. He can't be dead, they would not take a dead body away with them. Why bother? They had, for all they knew, probably fatally wounded the clerk.

"Bella, the blood on the floor...it was Edward's."

"You can't know that for sure, anyway, he could have just been wounded and crawled off and somebody took him home and looked after him and.."

I collapsed into a heap of agony. If someone had saved him, he would have contacted me already. I knew that.

"There was an awful lot of blood, Bella."

"No." I denied his words.

"I bet he is in a coma and some little old lady just..."

Just what? Carried my six foot three inch husband home in her shopping basket and hid him from the world and kept him like an injured bird she had rescued?

"What did he say?" I whispered.

"He was selling Edward a packet of cigarettes, a bunch of flowers a local lady supplied the shop with daily, and a box of Turkish Delight squares."

My favorite treat.

Edward never went into a shop without buying me something.

Flowers, candy, something.

I nodded.

Okay, he was there. It didn't mean...

"The punks all had guns."

I nodded again. Of course they did, they wore them like a fashion accessory.

"The clerk said Edward moved in front of him , shielded his body, he is only a kid, Bella, seventeen. I guess Edward instinctively moved to protect him."

That would be my Edward.

Dad paused.

I was in no hurry to hear what else he had to say.

"They shot him at least four times, Bella. In the chest. He fell to the floor and then they shot the clerk so that is all he knows. He said there was one other customer but as the man was waiting to be served, there's no evidence who he was. Maybe he was in with the punks but it seems unlikely. He was older, forty something, blond, handsome, nicely dressed. They were teens, grubby, dirty, wearing jeans and leather, colors, gang wannabees, all Caucasian."

I nodded. We had seen young kids like this around, never near where we lived though.

"They emptied the till and took off in a souped up old black car of unknown make, it had flames painted on the side."

"And Edward? Did they take his...him.?"

"No, definitely not. Nobody knows what happened to him. The witnesses there say the other customer never left the shop and neither did Edward, but they were gone when the police arrived, three minutes later. It's like they disappeared in a puff of smoke."

"He must have taken Edward to hospital. Out the back entrance, in his car, maybe he was a paramedic, maybe he knew there was no time to wait for an ambulance.." I babbled on, grasping at any straw that meant my husband was alive.

Just missing.

"Bella, why wouldn't the man come forward? We always knew someone else was injured in the robbery, we assumed one of the punks somehow got shot, but the eye witnesses all say all three came running out to the car, all uninjured, all yelling and waving their guns around, threatening anyone to come near them, and they drove away unchallenged. There was no blood outside the store, no trail. Edward snr asked to have his blood compared, and it was Edward's blood.

Edward must have been taken by the other customer. It's the only explanation."

"Then why didn't he take him to hospital? Why would anyone keep a badly injured stranger?"

"There's only one reason." Charlie replied sadly.

"Maybe Edward...didn't make it , died in the man's car, and the man panicked, thought he may be charged with complicity . Maybe he had a record, and couldn't risk a charge. Maybe he panicked when he saw he had a body on his hands. Maybe he dumped Edward somewhere, in the forest, in the river."

"Noooo!" I wailed. It didn't happen that way, nobody would do that to my Edward. The man would not just throw his body away like trash. Maybe he buried him , said a prayer. Yes, he would have done that. He would have respected the fact Edward was special and loved and deserved a proper burial.

"We have to find him, Dad. He is out there somewhere, all alone, buried someplace where I can't go and visit him. We need to find him and bring him home and bury him properly. I have to know where he is, I have to. Come on, we have to start looking, we have to find him.."

Charlie grabbed me and pulled me into his arms, holding my crying, shaking body against his chest.

"You are right but Bells, the forest is a very big place. He would have taken him in a little way, away from the hiking tracks. The chances of us finding him..."

"I don't care! I will never stop looking and if you don't want to help me, fine."

I pushed him away and grabbed my yellow jacket, pulling it on. Shoes, what shoes, hiking boots, Edward bought me new hiking boots just before...

I searched the shoe cupboard near the front door entry, throwing shoes everywhere. They must be here, where else would they be? I found Wellingtons, and the old shoes we wore when we worked in the garden and the lightweight shoes we wore to the beach and the shoes Edward wore when he ran...

I sank to the floor and held that pair close.

I told him to buy a new pair, this pair were worn and tatty and he said they were comfortable and like old friends, he had worn them so long. He bought them when we were still in High School.

Everyone else bought the popular brand, but Edward wanted quality and didn't care whose logo or name was on the side. I guess he had been right, they had lasted him all this time, he would still be wearing them for another...

I lay them down, side by side, carefully, neatly.

Like old friends.

Charlie took my arm and led me to a chair.

"We will look for him Bella, but the man may have come from out of town, out of state. We have no idea where he would have taken him. But he is at peace, sweetheart. You know he won't care where he is buried. He left his heart with you, and you have your memories, seven years of memories, and nobody can take them away from you. Isn't that the most important part of Edward? His love didn't die with him, you still love him, don't you? Nothing will stop you loving him, not a simple thing like death, and he loves you even more now. His last thoughts would have been of you, all he would be thinking was he had to get home to you, you know that."

He held me tight and let me cry.

I thought nothing was worse than not knowing. Imagining he met some amazingly hot woman at the store, and fell instantly in love with her, and forgot me. Ran away with her, was living on an island somewhere warm and sunny, never thinking of his ordinary little wife again.

I knew it wasn't true but I had thought it.

I was that desperate to keep him alive.

I knew he never saw the obvious beauty other women had, all he saw was me, and he alone saw me as beautiful, and perfect and his soulmate. I knew he would never waver while he had me.

I felt beautiful in his arms, in his company, he made me feel like the woman he saw me as.

The luckiest woman in existence.

Nobody else will ever see me that way or make me feel that way, again.

Now I am back to where I was before I met him and was dazzled by his smile.

Plain, ordinary Bella Swan Masen , who has a hole in her chest where her heart used to be.

I don't care, I don't want anyone else to love me.

That would be disgusting, wrong.

I was made for Edward and if all we had was seven years of bliss and happiness, so be it.

Charlie put me to bed and made me take the tablets the doctor had given me.

He was new to town, Dr Carlisle Cullen.

Quite handsome, he had all the ladies twittering about his good looks and manner. He had appeared out of nowhere just when I needed someone to help me and keep me sane, though why sanity is better than illusion, I have no idea.

I would prefer to live in some alternate state of mind, where Edward lives and I still have him.

I grabbed my favorite photo, that sits beside my bed. Edward is sitting behind me, his long legs folded around me, his arms full of me, his eyes shining, his mouth smiling, his hair messy and blowing in the wind. He looks like he is holding the most precious thing in his world in those long arms.

Me.

We were at La Push beach, at Jake's 21st birthday party. Edward always had the idea Jake wanted me and hated him but it wasn't true. Jake and I have been friends forever and nothing more. And nobody could hate Edward.

He is too good, too pure, his soul is the most attractive part of him.

I snuggled down under my quilt and lay one hand on his side of the bed.

I will stay in this house, not go running back to live with Charlie.

This is my home.

This is Edward's home.

He would want me to stay here, not go back to that tiny bedroom with the window he climbed through all through Junior and Senior year.

He spent every single night in my little bed, with me. Even before we had started having sex, he just wanted to sleep with me, hold me in the night.

I don't know if Charlie knew, for sure, he never let on. If he wondered why I suddenly needed a lock on my bedroom door, maybe he put it down to a need for guaranteed privacy, for whatever reason girls my age seek that.

If he had asked Renee, and I am sure he didn't, she would have confirmed I had a lock on my bedroom door in Phoenix, I had heard too many stories of younger husbands finding comfort in the arms of their older wives teen daughters. That would not be happening, I made sure before he ever moved in with us.

Charlie had simply driven to the store and bought the lock and attached it, no questions asked. I'm sure he didn't even want to imagine what went on in the life of a pubescent girl.

I just didn't want Charlie checking on me while I was asleep, and finding my Edward's body entwined with mine. Charlie would have nailed my window shut, cut down the tree outside it. He would have had to do the parental thing but as he had no proof, he had let it go on.

I am pretty sure he knew. Whenever he had an all night shift, he always asked me if Edward was coming over to help me with my homework, making sure Edward had no other commitments those nights.

Edward's sole commitment was to me, Charlie need not have worried.

My tiny bathroom attached to my bedroom meant Edward never had to venture out into the hallway, we were cocooned inside there all night long, we had everything we needed. Each other.

I shut my eyes and drifted back in my head to the first night Edward climbed in my window.

We had been a couple for a few months but had not progressed beyond kissing, a lot of really good, hot kissing. Even though neither of us had kissed anyone else before, it seemed to come naturally to us, and after the first, hesitant, sweet kiss he gave me a week after we met, the kisses escalated into moanfests that took away our breaths and left us gasping for air at the end.

I was sitting at my desk, studying, getting my book report finished, and checking my phone every 3 minutes in case he had called and I had been struck deaf and missed the ringtone.

Next thing, he was sitting in the tree outside my window, grinning at my shocked expression.

I opened the window and let him slip into my bedroom, and he laughed and caught me up in his arms.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"I was innocently driving by, up and down the street, and I saw the cruiser go off to work with Charlie inside. Hello, I thought to myself, Miss Bella is all alone, and probably afraid of bears attacking her, I should go check she is safe. So, here I am. Doing a bear inspection."

He let me go and prowled my room, checking inside the closet, under the bed and in the bathroom,

"Well, Miss Bella, I am pleased to report a complete lack of bears but there was a report leaked that they plan to sneak into single girls bedrooms tonight...only if the girl is in bed alone. I feel it's my duty to stay and sleep in your bed so the bears bypass your window."

"So, bears? They have me on their list?"

"Definitely, we did discover their secret lists at Bear Surveillance Headquarters. I'm sorry to have to inform you, they plan to wait and find a night you are alone, and attack. I will have to climb in your window every night or else your life will be in extreme danger."

"So, you work for Bear Surveillance Headquarters? I thought you were just a high school student like me."

"No, Miss Bella, that's just my cover. I work for BSH, or if you need the full title, its Bear Undercover Life Love Surveillance Headquarters In Town."

"Or B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T , I am guessing you shorten it to?"

"Oh how very perceptive of you, Miss Swan. You now qualify for several hours of kissing in your very own bed. What time can I book you in for? My schedule is pretty tight but look, I have time open right now. Someone cancelled, can you believe it?"

"Someone cancelled several hours of being kissed in their bed by you?"

"I know, I find it impossible to believe as well. I think she died."

"Did you kiss her to death? Am I in danger here? Maybe I should take my chances with the bear?"

"Oh no, Miss Bella. My kisses have extraordinary secret powers but I think you are strong enough to not spontaneously combust when I administer them. You look like a strong, healthy girl. Very healthy. Though we do need to do a full medical examination."

"Blood pressure, temperature?"

"No, it's more a visual exam. Just need to see everything's located where it should be."

"So, I need to take my clothes off for this exam?" I asked.

"Maybe just your most attractive Tshirt. It looks good on you but it would look better on your floor."

"Oh, I was so going to take it off until you said that!" I laughed.

"No, kill me now. Can you erase that line from the conversation? What I meant was, you are the most beautiful girl I have ever laid eyes on and I just want to kiss you all night long."

"With my clothes on?"

"Bella, I think it would be very dangerous if you took your clothes off, you would be better off waiting for the bears to attack."

I thought about it, and threw my T shirt onto the floor.

"Goodness, you were right, it looks amazing on my floor. Now, I have these coupons your company sent me, let's see, three hours of kissing, a whole night of laying in Edward's arms, and what's this one, a free beast examination. Hmm, I see the conditions of compliance state all three have to be cashed the same night, so, into my bed, Masen, and get those lips puckered."

We spent a night just kissing and giggling, that may have been just me, and he looked like he had won some prestigious award when I allowed the free breast exam, over the top of my lace bra. He touched me in reverence, and his eyes said it all. He loved me, I knew that but his eyes were the proof.

Being awake most of the night, we drifted off in the early hours and by some miracle, Edward had gone into my bathroom when Charlie flung my door open.

"Bells, you will be late for school, get up now."

I lay there petrified, and hardly daring to breathe.

Could Edward hear him out here?

Was he about to walk out, in his boxers and T shirt, and climb back into my bed?

"Oh Dad" I said loudly. "I didn't realize the time. Hmm, I need a lock, I could have been half dressed, you didn't even knock! Can you buy me one today and fit it on for me, please? I am sure you don't want to barge in when I am getting dressed."

"Sorry, Bella." he mumbled. "I noticed your bag downstairs, I didn't think, I just wanted to make sure you were awake."

"Thanks Charlie, now go have a shower and I will get breakfast."

He shut my door and I heard the water go on in the main bathroom.

Edward opened my bathroom door and grinned.

"Very natural, but you fail the audition. I think I would cross 'actress' off my list of future careers."

"Yeah, well you nearly got to cross 'alive and breathing' off yours, now get the hell out of my window."

He grinned and pulled his jeans and hoodie on and grabbed his shoes. I heard the water stop.

"Give them to me , here."

I grabbed them out of his hand and tossed them down to the ground below and practically pushed him out the window myself.

"I love you." he said, leaning back in. "You passed your exam, by the way. Very nice breasts. I look forward to knowing them naked. I mean, better."

"GET OUT" I hissed, and shut the window behind him.

I watched him pull his shoes on and dash out the back of our yard and disappear into the forest.

I quickly showered and dressed and left Charlie's breakfast on the table and made my escape to school.

Edward met me at school, and pulled me behind the building to take up kissing me some more, apparently I had bonus points on that coupon.

Jess called them 'porno kisses' and envied that I was on the receiving end of Edward's beautiful , passionate mouth, and his tongue!

Do I even want to think about that tongue?

That tongue had licked every single inch of my skin, many times. Edward could turn me on by kissing me or licking me anywhere, even somewhere like the back of my knee. He would lay me down, remove my clothes, and search my body with his green eyes, looking for a new zone to attack, and drive me quietly wild as he nipped and sucked and licked someplace untouched before, until he covered it all, he had been everywhere.

I had enjoyed all his attention and had felt a rising excitement hit the night he only had three places left to explore orally.

My nipples, and...there.

That night he broke his one area per night rule and covered all three.

I think it was the only night he ever lost control with me.

He had smirked as he undressed me but he looked a little shy almost, along with his eagerness.

He had touched one nipple and watched it pebble and he looked into my eyes, and I nodded permission and he was on it, sucking, licking, moaning, grinding his fully clothed body against my thigh.

My first feel of the evidence I excited him as much as he excited me.

His fingers were puling, rolling my other nipple and he suddenly swapped, and mouthed it in turn and then he sat up and gazed at me.

"Bella, I just need to try one thing. I can't stop tonight. Is that okay?"

I had a fair idea of what that one thing was, and I grinned and nodded.

His hands parted my legs, then parted my folds, and he looked back up at me and sighed, like he had found the holy grail.

"Bellaaa" he moaned and then he was licking the last frontier. Going where no man had ever licked, or even touched, or seen, before.

His tongue had swept and titillated and tasted and he had suddenly jumped up and run to my bathroom, shutting th door while I chuckled.

I knew enough to know what he was doing in there and when he emerged, shame faced and embarrassed, I asked him to not leave next time, to let me watch what he had to do to relieve his problem.

He had looked shocked, torn about whether this was a good idea but he had made my body sing and I wanted to learn how to make his do the same.

So the next night he was nervous and kept blushing, usually my habit, but after he licked me to completion, he released himself from his pants and stroked himself off in my bed, while I watched and learnt and afterwards, he let me touch him. He instantly became erect again and I copied what he had done and he held me tightly and moaned into my neck, as he came onto my naked belly.

After that, more often that not, we provided each other with relief and he allowed me to even put my mouth on him, after I had a crash course in what Jess did to Mike, whispered urgently by her into my ear in the girls washroom.

I was a little scared I would bite him, but he was mainly concerned he would come in my mouth and he warned me I had to release him the moment he said things were close, but I grabbed his backside and pushed him in further instead, and he spluttered and groaned and pushed himself closer as he filled my throat and I swallowed him down. Start as you mean to go on, Jess had advised.

Be a spitter, or a swallower, and make it clear you controlled that part.

Edward had confessed he thought he may have died and gone to Heaven when I kept him in my mouth at the end.

Now that's exactly where he is, and I will never be able to do any of our favorite games again.

I am glad we started young.

It always felt right.

I don't regret anything we ever did.

Only the many years we are now missing out on.

**Okay, this ended up about 9,000 words which was too long, I would never manage that again for a single chapter so I split it in two, leave a review, when there are 25 for this one, I will post Edward's POV. Thanks for reading. (Shut up, Victoria, I updated The Lighthouse first, I am allowed to write this,lol!)**


	3. Chapter 3

The Absence of Her Is Everywhere

Chapter 3

Believing

Edward's Story

My life...can I say life? My existence is strange and hard to grasp but I am coming to terms to the fact Carlisle has not lied to me at all.

My throat raged with a strange and desperate thirst but the two guys, Emmett and Jasper, brought me deer until I could learn to hunt my own. Just feeding from animals was a challenge.

It seemed so insane, and I thought I could never do it, even if the alternative was to starve to death.

Carlisle assured me once the first drops of blood entered my mouth, the hard part would be over, and instinct would kick in.

The deer was struggling but Emmett snapped its neck and handed it to me. I looked at them as they watched me, and I shook my head.

"I can't."

How can I eat the blood from a newly dead Bambi?

I had eaten red meat, pork, chicken, all my life, and never had a moment of distaste to be eating an animal, but a steak on a plate, a pattie in a burger, they are a long way from a barely dead animal still in it's skin.

And I was to drain the blood from it, and swallow it down?

Just no, as Bella would say.

"Yes, you can. Like this."

Emmett plunged his teeth into the creatures throat and sucked it dry, wiping his mouth and tossing the corpse aside.

"Nice. Not delicious like a grizzly, but nice enough. We want to start you off gradually, on the main menu items. We have to travel to get the good stuff. Now, your turn."

He took the second deer from Jasper and snapped its neck.

I approached and stalled again.

It's eyes had turned glassy in an instant but they looked my way.

I shuddered.

"Do you want to get to the point where you can see your girl again? Because every time you stop, you delay that day." Carlisle warned me.

Bella.

I would do anything to be back with my Bella.

Even this, as repulsive and disgusting as it was.

I hesitantly pushed my teeth, now razor sharp, through the skin and hit the artery in it's neck.

I almost gagged as the blood rushed into my mouth, this was disgusting...the taste hit and I gasped and sucked harder, the pain in my throat was replaced by a desire to have more, and more and I drained the poor creature quicker than even Emmett had.

I stopped only when my efforts no longer were rewarded.

"See? Nice, right?'

"I don't know about nice, but the relief..." I answered.

"Yeah, kind of like when you get laid, right? The hunger gets intense and it's so sweet when you get the relief." Emmett said, his face serious for once.

He was right. It was similar. The desire to be inside my Bella was always overwhelming but when we climaxed together, the relief was incredible.

Strangely, drinking a deer's blood was somewhat similar.

My brain wrestled with that.

"Will I ever be able to...?"

"I hope so, son." replied Carlisle. He was so in tune with me, it was like he read my thoughts as clearly as I read his.

"It will take time and a lot of practice but if you want it badly enough.."

"Oh, I do." I answered, and Emmett snickered.

"I have a plan, Eddie boy, to help you get back inside your little human faster."

I hate to say I was intrigued but I was.

"Emmett" Carlisle growled. "He is bonded with his human, he will not want to go down that road. Let it go."

"But he wants to be with her and he needs to learn control. Tanya.."

"No. He has chosen his mate. He would not want that."

I flicked through Emmett's head and saw him , naked and in the midst of having sex with a very pale but beautiful woman.

I frowned.

It was not Rosalie.

"I was changed before Rose, Carlisle saved me after my car hit a tree and I almost died. Well, I did die after he bit me." he grinned.

Only Emmett could joke about such a subject.

"I had to learn control because I wanted to be with my Rosie and this was the only way to hurry things along. She was missing me, she was getting sucked in by some bastard who had always wanted her. Fucking Royce. He moved in before my body was even cold. Fucker. She stayed away and refused all his advances but she was lonely, and sad and weakening. I had to rush things and I learned control with Tanya."

"Didn't work out that well." Jasper reminded him.

"Yeah, what can I say, my girl was so hot I almost killed her mid sexing. Lucky I took Carlisle with me, he changed her there and then and we brought her back here for the three days.

She still gets shitty about that, she had other plans by then. You don't want to take so long to be in control that your girl moves on, Edward, believe me."

I was shocked, he and Rose seemed like a committed couple.

I certainly didn't want someone else moving in on my Bella. I knew exactly who that someone would be. Well, two someone's, at least.

I bet that Mike Newton thinks he is in with a chance now and of course, that damned Jake will be offering her a shoulder to cry on. Bastard, that dog has always loved her and if he thinks he is a better choice for her than I am...

Sadly, I shook my head. Things are very different now. Before, I was the better man, the better choice.

Now?

He could keep her safe, offer her a home, kids, I could never do that now.

Even if I learned control, and was able to live with her, and I would die trying, we could no longer fulfil our desire to be parents.

Carlisle explained it all. Vampires cannot have children. Our bodies are like stone, they don't expand, the baby would never have the room to grow. The men are believed to be infertile, maybe due to the intense coldness of our bodies.

I was faced with a childless future now.

Damn, I wish I had gotten her pregnant in High School.

I could have, it was always me, being the careful, controlling one, insisting on condoms if I was going to come inside her body.

She was all for taking chances, accepting our Fate, whatever would be, would be.

I had believed I would be doing the wrong thing if I knocked her up before we graduated college and got married.

I was a fool.

We could have had our two children, or the three she preferred and I went along with, and be a family already. Just a family with a strange and dangerous husband and father.

I will never be a father now.

Jasper and Alice didn't seem to care, she had spent the next two years after he 'disappeared' in a mental asylum, an institution for the insane. Her grief had been so all consuming, her brain broke down under the strain and when Jasper turned up, two years later and finally able to be around humans, he had explained everything and she had grabbed his hand and left the hospital, discharged herself, and had come to Carlisle and demanded he change her immediately. She was so delirious to have her Jasper back, she refused to even try living as a human while he never aged. They had never discussed children and their loss was minor, she had her lover back.

"What if he loses it and kills me? You want an emo Jasper for eternity? Just change me, and let me be back with my husband now."

Carlisle had counselled her intensely for a week and she had stood firm, she wanted to be like her husband, so Carlisle gave in.

He had never regretted it, he told me, because she never had either. She had come through with the ability to see the future, and nobody had ever been able to access her visions before, she had always had to explain what she saw. She loved that she and I could have the most graphic yet silent discussions, she simply thought what she wanted to tell me and I read her mind instantly.

She could tell when I was reading her, and I could even silently respond, put my thoughts inside her head, or send her images as well.

We were like a pair of mobile phones, exchanging information by text , and photos and videos between us.

It annoyed Jasper, he warned me if Alice ever started thinking of doing anything with me, I had better tell him so he could rip me apart himself. He failed to understand if what we exchanged was above board and innocent, why we chose to 'talk' this way, and not just speak like 'normal vampires.'

Who'd have ever thought those two words went together?

She thought the whole thing was funny.

I didn't, I had no desire to ever be with any woman but Bella and I didn't relish the thought of being ripped apart and burnt on a bonfire, either.

I was glad Carlisle dismissed the whole idea of training me sexually with whoever, whatever ,Tanya was.

I was always dedicated to my Bella and I had been offered sex on a plate many times. Everywhere we went, women blatantly tried to seduce me. I become aware as I raced through puberty that the same looks that had made people mistake me for a girl as a child, had made me attractive and irresistible to women afterwards.

I knew from early on, making out with random girls was not appealing, to me and although I was not religious as such, I wanted to keep myself for my girl, and I wanted her to keep herself for me.

Thus the girls who slept around held zero interest for me in High School, and even the virgins never caught my eye, until the day Bella walked into my life and I knew, absolutely, I had done the right thing. I only ever wanted to share myself with her.

Even when we only did other things, touching, kissing, I was so glad my lips and hands had never known another girl.

It was all for her.

I wanted to wait until we were engaged before we had full sex but that was never going to happen. Her dad would hardly let me tie her down as a student, even though we were already bound together forever.

So, I made her agree to stop trying to get a certain part of me inside a certain part of her until her eighteenth birthday. I promised to give in gracefully then if she agreed to stop playing her dangerous games now.

I know it sounds insane, a male wanting to wait and a female wanting to take my virtue before I was ready, but that was us. Bella hungered for all of me, she knew we would be together forever, and she saw no reason to delay things at all. I think she would have slept with me that first day after Biology if I had asked her to. She was always ready.

She was right, too, as it turned out. The minute I entered her body, I transformed into a man with a purpose, a man who would never do the wrong thing, a man committed to his life plan. No deviations along the way, I wanted her and her alone and whatever life she wanted, I wanted.

I sought ways to improve myself for her, cleaned up my language, started putting effort into the work I did at school, earning far more extra credits every lesson. I was accelerated through my medical school theoretical lessons as a result, the textbook learning was an absolute breeze for me. I graduated earlier than any other student had in the school's history.

Eight years reduced to six.

I was almost free, my internship about to end.

I was looking at either joining my father in private practice or going out and starting my own from scratch.

The thought the insanely long draining hours were behind me was thrilling, I wanted to be a normal nine to five worker, and a family man with time to spend watching his wife blossom during her pregnancy, being there to rub her back and massage her feet at the end of the day, cook her nightly meal, being there for the birth, help out with the children as they grew.

I was achieving all my goals rapidly, except one.

I despised my addiction to nicotine but it had me firmly in it's grip and it took years to ease it gently off me, and I was within reach of my goal when I died.

I had foolishly started smoking as a twelve year old, unaware that this tool that made me 'cool' also made me weak and unable to break away. I smoked heavily throughout High School, and it only occurred to me to quit when I met Bella. I chewed peppermint gum constantly, afraid she would not allow my cigarette soured breath near her, but Bella was always something else. She simply accepted me, flaws and all, encouraged but never condemned nor lectured me. I knew it was a filthy habit, she just gave me the time and encouragement to beat it on my own, as I had to. I only wanted to quit the habit the once, I needed it to be truly final, over and done with. II found the gradual decreasing worked for me.

I had attempted to go cold turkey but it had failed and I had actually upped my intake after that, like my body made me even more addicted to ensure that never happened again.

I decided to cut down a single cigarette per week, nothing my body would even notice, and there I was, down to one smoke every second day, and the pack would be stale and tasteless by the last half, which made them taste disgusting.

But it had worked, and I was planning my own victory party, unknown to Bella.

I was going to be free of my crutch for one year then I was going to make her pregnant, in a night she and I would never forget. It kept me going when the odd urge to break my pact with myself hit.

I had found a website where you could scan and use a photo of yourself and of your girl, and they would show you three children you two could possibly make. I used those images to keep me on track. I adored the little girl who looked like Bella had looked as a child, (75% her genes, 25% mine), and I know she desperately wanted the boy who had grabbed a majority of my genes. The third child was a complete 50/50 mix of us both and it appeared rather sexless, pretty but pretty in the way as I had been. We couldn't tell if it was a girl or a boy, and it made Bella determined to up our initial two future children to three.

I would not have argued, two, three, she was the one I wanted to make happy and if it took a third child to do that, fine. I would love a dozen children if we made them together.

Three was good.

Now I had to forget them as they will never exist.

Bella used a paint program and made a portrait of these three cyber children and printed it out on canvas, and hung it in our bedroom, incidentally curing my urge to ever smoke in bed.

She would gaze at it and wonder how close our actual ,never now to be, babies would have turned out.

I was taking them away from her, like they had been taken away from me.

I felt selfish even though it was not my fault, I never chose this life.

The one person who understood was Rosalie. She had been planning in using some desperate means to create her own family after Emmett's apparent death.

Carlisle had stolen the body of an unknown, unclaimed stranger and fudged the records at the hospital showing this man had been cremated, instead he burnt him in Emmett's wrecked car.

Everyone knew Emmett, knew his car, knew he had been drinking and speeding, no investigation was ever carried out.

Emmett had died in a single vehicle collision with a tree and the wreck had incinerated, leaving Rose and his parents just a few bones to bury.

Rose had believed the evidence and had grieved and cried then decided she was not living her life alone. She spurned Royce completely and the others who tried to captivate her, but she had arranged to be inseminated with the sperm Emmett had put in a sperm bank a year earlier when he convinced himself he had cancer, and wanted his seed saved in case the treatment rendered him sterile.

The 'cancer' proved to be a harmless cyst and he had forgotten about his frozen heritage.

Rose had suddenly remembered, when a friend said maybe she should get a donor who looked like Emmett to impregnate her, and at least have the children she always wanted.

Instead, she got a job at the clinic and stole Emmett's sperm, sure they would never be able to release it to her legally without much ado, and his family would no doubt fight against her.

She had found a medical student willing to show her how to thaw and inject the sperm for the best chance, and took the first vial home the very day Emmett turned up, and she was so overcome with joy, she failed to keep her meeting, instead she willingly climbed into bed with an unexplaining Emmett.

He intended telling her everything first , but his carnal desires overcame his resolve and he had sex with her, only to lose it and sink his teeth into her unsuspecting throat as he released inside her. He had not expected that, and Carlisle had rushed in from his hiding place outside and administered the bites needed to get her system full of venom and thus change her instead of allowing her to die.

Rose had awoken in a complete rage. She had not had the warning and explanation Alice had been privy to, and to this day she still wished Emmett had left it longer, let her have her children then come to her, in full control.

She would have been willing to accept the necessary multiple relocation's before townsfolk started noticing he never aged. The thought people would think it strange she was with a 24 year old when she was 54 or even older, thrilled and delighted her. She wanted to stand up and say "Yeah, I am that hot. He chose me over every 24 year old on earth. Sucks to be you, rocks to be me."

So, her life plan had been thwarted much the same as mine, and left us childless for eternity.

I felt sorry for myself until Esme told me her own sorry tale. She had been married, to a man other than Carlisle.

Her husband had gone to war and left Esme pregnant , arriving home just in time for the birth. They had been happily married and she had been ecstatic, her beloved husband home, her beautiful baby fulfilling all her dreams, but then only months later, her tiny son had died. Her husband had drunk himself into a stupor and died of alcoholic poisoning days later. She had thrown herself off a cliff in despair, and when Carlisle found her, he had been anguished to hear the heartbeat of another baby, deep inside her. He had no choice, if he let her die, the fetus died too, but if he changed her, he killed the baby she desperately wanted, and condemned it to eternity deep within her womb. So, he saved her, and thus killed her baby.

He still had moments where he needed to talk to Jasper and have reassurance he did the right thing, the only possible thing.

It made my lot seem less tragic, at least we had no child to lose.

Maybe we would have been amongst the one in four couples who never conceive anyway.

I actually hoped that was true, that I was infertile already, and there never was a child in my future, let alone three.

Carlisle sensed my deep despair and depression as it started to set in and he decided we needed a way to gauge how much progress I was making, so he asked Alice to locate a 'suitable' prisoner, and she came up with a man in town whom she saw took frequent trips overseas to sexually abuse young children.

Emmett had to be warned, he was not allowed to kill this man, he was to capture him and bring him here. Carlisle assure him, his death would occur soon enough, so Emmett and Jasper left, and Alice followed, and 'streamed' the whole thing back to me.

I saw Jasper knock at the man's door to ask directions, then he calmed the man , lowered his natural suspicions, made him susceptible to bonding with a fellow abuser,and started talking about his own overseas trips and how he always went to countries that allowed a 'little fun with the kiddies' and the man lowered his guard and invited Jasper in to see his photo collection.

Jasper whammied him with a massive dose of exhaustion as soon as he was inside, not wishing to see any of this disgusting collection, and as the man fell asleep on his floor, Emmett entered and picked him up, tossing him over a shoulder, while Jasper dumped the body Carlisle had procured for the evidence bag. Emmett ran home while Jasper made sure the burning house was never a danger to any neighbors, then he and Alice returned. Carlisle had already swapped the files at the hospital so the remaining bones and teeth would be identified as the perverted homeowner.

Emmett had taken the man to a dungeonlike room built into the side of a hill, so just the barred door was exposed. Carlisle had constructed when he first moved here, and they locked him in.

Now Carlisle took my hand and walked me across the yard, watching to see how close I got before losing control.

I had no idea why I was going to lose control at the sight of a human, but then his scent hit me and my face lifted so my nose could capture his aroma,and my throat burned, and I heard myself snarl and fall into a crouch.

Emmett grabbed me from behind and pulled me back, as Jasper relaxed me again, and Carlisle marked a line on where I had stood.

"Fantastic. You have some incredible control already." he informed me.

I shook my head.

"Carlisle, you don't know what I was thinking. I wanted to feed from that man like I did from the deer. I could barely think, something took over my brain."

"What do you think vampires are, Edward? We all desire human blood, it fades and becomes controllable over time but I am centuries old, and I am the only one here who can resist completely. It never affects me now, not even slightly, even if they come to my surgery with open wounds oozing blood, but it took me decades to get to that point, more than a century in fact."

"I don't have a century." I cried.

"You do, but Bella doesn't. What we are aiming for is enough control so you can live with her, have sex with her, I am hoping to achieve this in under two years. It took Emmett and Jasper about that long but to be honest, you have surpassed the point they were at after six months, already. Emmett clearly needed even longer, I regret letting him visit Rose like that, he seemed to have progressed enough at the time.

They all attacked and killed their test prisoners for the first six months, you stopped and smelt the aroma before you even thought of attacking him. You are amazing, Edward. I think you will be my fastest study and strongest willed vampire yet. I am really pleased with you."

"But won't it be different with Bella? I love her, I would never hurt her."

"Edward, you are a vampire first and a husband a distant second. I'm sorry, but even best scenario it will be six more months before you can even be close enough to speak to her, and maybe another year after that before you can touch her. But try, put in the same effort to achieve your goals as you did in your human life, if anyone can accelerate the progress, I think it will be you."

Six months before she even knows I am alive?

It will take me six months to come up with an explanation she will believe and accept.

I lay on my useless bed in my pointless bedroom and Alice walked in and handed me a photo, Bella and I.

"Where did you get this?" I asked her, knowing this photo sat in Charlie's den.

"I stole it. Her father is always at work, I simply went in and took it. He will assume he moved it, and never suspect somebody broke in to take just one snapshot. Enjoy!"

I hugged the frame to me then gazed at the image of us.

Jacob Black's 21st birthday party at La Push beach.


	4. Chapter 4

His Absence Is Everywhere

Chapter 4

A Black Day

Bella's POV

I really don't want to see anyone today but Charlie has threatened to literally drag me into the cruiser and to his house, if I don't arrive by noon.

School starts again in a week and I have to turn up and teach, I have no funeral to go to, so I don't want to apply for emergency leave at this point. When we find Edward, and we will, I will take time off but for now, I like the illusion I have, and will have, until his body is found.

Edward is alive, he just went out for cigarettes.

When he got to the shop...hmm, this is where it gets harder.

The three punks shot him but he was wearing a bullet proof vest so he was barely nicked.

He had been taking a blood donation to the blood bank, he had taken it at home seeing he is a doctor and knows how to do these things, and so he was carrying the bag of blood because...hmmm...he didn't want it to get stolen from his car. Maybe there were vampires in the vicinity, searching for bags of blood left in unattended cars. Yes, that's it. Vampires.

The bullets hit the blood bag and therefore there was a massive blood stain of Edward's blood on the floor of the shop.

Edward decided to run for help and left the other customer to attend to the clerk because...because the other customer was a more experienced doctor than he was, so he had a better chance of saving the boy.

When Edward was running, he got lost and now he spends his days looking for his way home to me.

Yes, that's what happened.

Charlie has other theories but they are just that, theories.

He and his search party have combed acres of the forest, sometimes I go as well because I want to see if I can feel Edward anywhere out there and I come home oddly happy when I can't. This is because it means Edward is not buried in the forest.

Where is Edward's car? The police assume it was stolen in a separate incident but I don't believe that, what are the chances of being shot, I mean, grazed, by a bullet in a hold up and then having your car stolen in the three minutes it took the cops to get there?

No, if the three murdering little bastards ran out the front door and all got into their own car, then they didn't take Edward's car, so it has to be somewhere.

I started to think of a plan. They were in the area over West, maybe they live there, or at least hang out there. If I start walking those streets at night, maybe I will find them, and I can ask them what it was like to kill my Edward.

I need to know how you can just shoot someone you never knew, never met, without at least wondering if he had a Bella at home, waiting for him.

Why didn't they wait and just threaten him and the clerk, and the 'mysterious stranger'.?

Who would choose to die to stop a simple robbery, not my Edward. He would toss them his wallet as well if it meant they left everyone alive and unharmed.

I need to talk to these men because sadly, the truth is, they were the last people to see my Edward alive and I need to know he didn't suffer. I hope the first shot killed him and he knew nothing more, no pain.

I know Charlie is right, he would have had a flash of worrying about leaving me, but it may have been so fast he barely had time to be concerned.

I found my hiking boots and I wear them every day, even if I just stay in bed.

They were in their box and inside was a note, just a little note.

A note written by my Edward.

He had bought me these boots before he went to that weekend conference in Seattle, and so he left them in our bathroom so I would find them , after he had left me. We had been making love and he slipped away to shower and dress and made me a coffee and kissed me goodbye. He told me to stay in bed, it was raining and he didn't think the hike with Jake and Sam would be happening, but he left me my new boots anyway.

I didn't want him to spend so much money on a single pair of shoes, but he insisted nothing but the best was good enough for his Bella.

As it happened, the rain was relentless and I never did go hiking and I had put the box straight into my closet, not opening it.

So, last Monday I saw the box and opened it, and alongside my new boots, lay a note from Edward.

Two words.

_Be Safe._

His beautiful writing left me in no doubt he had written it.

He writes like men used to back when handwriting was a subject taught in schools and students were graded on it.

So different to my scrawl, he makes me want learn to write again., only properly this time.

I guess I want to be like him seeing he can't be here to be himself for me. Any part of him I need to keep alive.

I sit up and feel my skin on my shoulder, where I had the two words copied by the tattoo artist in town. It's still tender but I relished the pain when I got it done. I also got _Edward_ written on the inside of my left wrist. It is still sore, but once again, I needed to feel the physical pain,because physical pain is the lesser of the pains and I needed a distraction from the other relentless pain.

Now I have _Be Safe _in an exact copy, it may be only two words but I made the artist get it precisely exact. It's like Edward wrote on me himself.

It's almost like Edward knew back then, to leave this note for me to find now, when I long for anything new from him.

I framed the tiny scrap of paper and hung it on my wall. I have to Be Safe but why alludes me. I would rather be with Edward, wherever that may be.

Some days its too hard to get up. Some days are black days and I find myself thinking of ways I could join Edward but I need, need not want, our bodies to be buried together, so I can't follow through with my exit plan until I have my Edward and know where his resting place is.

Will I have him moved, or will the police insist on digging him up? Will that be good or bad? Is it wrong to disturb the dead from their resting place?

Maybe if I find him first I could just lie down and die there beside him and leave it to Fate to decide if we ever get found and moved.

My phone rings.

It will be Charlie.

"Hello Dad, I am up, I am walking towards the door as we speak."

"Dad?"

"Hello? Charlie? Are you there?"

I pull the phone back and look at the number.

Not Charlie's.

Unknown.

"Be Safe" a velvety voice whispers and I drop the phone, then scramble for it.

"Edward?"

No answer.

I try to call back but it's number is withheld. Private.

I throw my phone to the floor and then grab it again.

This is my lifeline, my only link to Edward.

I curl into a ball in the chair and wait for him to call me again.

I had drifted off to sleep when my front door opened and Charlie and Jacob stood, looking at me.

"Bella, I told you to be at my house by noon or I would come and get you myself. It is 1:15. Get in the car."

"Edward called me."

Charlie looked shocked, then he ran to my side and pulled me into his arms.

Jake took the phone and scanned my recent calls list.

"Where was he ringing from, Bells? Which number.?"

"The last one. It's withheld."

"How did you know it was him? What did he say?"

"He said 'Be Safe'. Only he would say that to me."

I turn and pull my Tshirt down my back, exposing my neck and shoulder and Jake traces his finger over my still sensitive tattoo.

"Bella, are you sure it was him? How do you know it was Edward?"

"I have been with him for seven years, Charlie, I do recognise his voice."

"So, he called you after months of being missing, and he said two words? He didn't say where he was, if someone was keeping him there? He didn't explain why he left? Why there was so much blood no human could lose it and live?"

"He spoke to me, Charlie. I don't care what the evidence says, he is alive. I need to stay here until he comes home to me."

"No, if he plans to call again, I want a trace on your phone. We are going to the station. Bring the phone."

Like I will ever go anywhere, even to the bathroom, without my phone from this moment onwards.

Jake grabs the recharge cord out of the wall and helps me walk, my legs are pretty stiff from lack of use.

He sits beside me in the cruiser and rubs the back of my hand.

"We will find him, hey Charlie?" Jake says.

Jake works with Charlie, he decided to attend the police academy after he found his chosen job as a mechanic too boring. He loves working on his own bikes and cars but he hated the women who argued about his prices, and men who argued about what the problem was when they dropped off their cars. They seemed to think if they argued and yelled loud enough, he would cut his already fair charges.

He always got on with Charlie, so working with him was just the obvious step and now they are truly like father and son.

He is my brother by choice, in all ways except by blood.

He almost cut his awesome long, thick black hair but chickened out at the last minute so it hangs in a braid down to his waist almost. I love his hair.

I love Edward's hair more.

I long to push my fingers through it and tug it when he is inside me.

I feel myself smile, I am happy. I had forgotten happy.

It's like an old friend you hadn't been with so long you almost forgot them.

Then they came back, and it floods back into your brain.

Happy.

It makes my cold heart warm.

Oh, my heart is back.

Charlie does stuff, some guy I don't even try to recognise , if I even met him before, comes and takes my phone out of my hand.

"Don't!" I scream, trying to grab it back.

Jake holds my hands and stops me fighting this man, because I will, I will fight him to the death.

He opens the back and fiddles around and hands the phone to Charlie, then he calls it with his own phone . Apparently his number is withheld but it flashes on my screen with the number.

"Now, if he rings you again, note the number on a piece of paper. He may swap phones, but whatever, his number will appear."

I smile but somehow I know this will not find Edward.

I had an epiphany.

I know he is dead.

I know this could be some cruel hoax, but I also know it isn't.

I know Edward contacted me from the Other Side.

He used the phone to do it.

Charlie and Jake will never understand but it's okay now. I know Edward made it there safely and that's all I need to know.

I was happy as we went to my dad's house, and i cradled my phone like a baby.

He will call me again.

Charlie cooks and I eat, I have no idea what. Something yellow, red and green.

Jake talks and laughs and keeps shooting concerned looks because I am smiling.

It's like knowing Edward has simply changed addresses.

He phoned to say wherever he lives now, it's fine. He is fine. He just needs me to Be Safe.

Charlie refuses to take me home tonight and I curl up on my old bed and talk to Edward.

He didn't call again, but if he is dead, he can hear me anywhere I am.

I have seen those shows on the Psychic Network.

They can contact us but it takes a lot of energy and effort and so they just send short messages, like mine. But it doesn't mean they aren't here with us so I know I can talk to him , just he can't really talk back.

I wonder if he has been watching me all this time.

I hope I have not made him sad by being so weak.

Edward liked me being strong, voicing my opinions.

The window rattles and I walk over and stand in front of it.

Maybe Edward is outside.

I open the window though I don't really think it needs to be open to allow him inside.

It just seems friendlier, like I am inviting him back in.

Like back then.

I can't see anything outside, the new moon is covered by clouds.

I open the covers and strip off my clothes and lie in my bed.

My old bed.

The bed Edward slept in beside me.

I dream.

I can see the three boys who took Edward away from me. They are planning another robbery. They have their guns and they are laughing. They don't care what their actions did, and they will do more of the same. Somebody has to explain to them that they can't just keep killing other Edwards.

I dressed silently and climbed down the tree that I sometimes climbed down with Edward, when we slept at his parents house the few times they were away.

My car is at my home so I have no way of getting downtown except walking but it's not that far and I have all night, what's left of it.

I have to either walk through the 'bad' part of town and cut an hour off my journey or walk up North Street and then turn onto Bret Rd and then turn down Simmons Street, so I walk three sides of the square, just to stay in the 'nice areas', a waste of effort seeing I don't care if anything happens to me.

I am talking to Edward in my head and maybe even chatting out loud sometimes and I suddenly see a group of boys, dirty, rough, black clothes and they all have red bandannas tied somewhere, around their heads, in their back pockets, hanging from the belts.

Just like Charlie said the witnesses described them.

Three of them walk to the side of the curb and watch me.

My cellphone rings.

Edward?

"Bella, this is dangerous."

"Edward?" I scream.

"Bella, go home."

"Edward, are you dead?" I ask.

"Turn around." He sounds cross. Angry.

The three boys are walking towards me now, and one is twirling his gun around and around, on a finger.

"Hey there, chicken. Want some funtimes?"

"Bella" sobs Edward.

No, I don't want him to cry.

"It's fine. I just need to explain they can't do this again. I love you, Edward."

The phone is dead, I guess I should have charged it but I forgot to get the cable off Jake before he went home.

I faced the boys and looked them up and down. They are just kids, stupid, reckless children.

"Did you boys kill my husband?" I ask.

The first boy stops and looks at the other two.

"We never killed no-one." he replies.

"Nearly killed the geek in the store." snickers the second one.

"Shut up, Milo." says the first.

"Did you shoot a man in the Franklin's store on West a few months ago?'

"You some cop?"

"Do I look like a cop?"

"Naw, you look like a very stoopid lady who should mind her business."

"My husband was shot in that robbery."

"He didn't die, he musta run out the back. The cops never said he was dead, in wasn't in the newspapers."

"You can read?" I ask, sick of his attitude.

"He some kinda freak or superhero? He took four bullets in the chest and still ran away."

"No, he didn't run away. You killed him."

"Well, you here to thank us? Didya want him outa your way?"

"No, I wanted him to come home safe to me. You can't shoot people and just forget what you have done."

A van started up and some of the other boys dressed the same got in it.

I guess they are going to run, and leave these three here to face the music but these three seem to be the ones who killed Edward, I guess the others at least have the sense to abandon them to their own fate.

Not that I can do anything to them, I just want to talk.

One boy walked behind me and I felt nervous. The van was sitting still, the engine idling.

"Franco, Mick, Milo, get in the van. This stinks of a set up." yelled a voice.

"Did he suffer? Did he say anything?" I ask desperately before they go.

One boy turns. "Yeah, he musta heard ringing in his ears or somethin', he said 'bell'."

I sat down on the road and the boys got into the van and it screeched it 's tires as they drove away.

He said 'Bell.'

No, he tried to say 'Bella.'

He died with my name on his lips.

I touch my own lips.

I may as well go home.

I can hear a car so I walk to the side of the road but it's the van, coming back. It aims straight for me so I attempt to jump out of the way but my legs have forgotten how to move.

I need to die with his name on my lips.

"Edward" I yell, smiling into the dark sky.

I woke with a start. I am lying on a gurney in a hospital and someone is looking at a chart and I check myself over. Fully clothed. But my hiking boots are gone.

My head is dizzy and my hands and knees are grazed, and the fabric that covered my knees, my jeans, are holey. Hmm, designer look jeans, everyone wears their jeans ripped up like this, I guess mine just became fashionable.

I attempt to stand and Dr Cullen walks up and takes the chart from the nurse.

"I've got this one, thanks."

He turns to me.

"Do you remember what happened?"

I have to think.

"I got hit by a van?" I hazard.

"You almost got hit by a van, you were very lucky."

"Why didn't it hit me?"

"A man was walking past and he threw you out of the path of the vehicle."

"No, there was nobody else there."

"You hit your head, you have probably forgotten him."

"I was on alert because I was talking to some...people, and I didn't feel safe, so I was aware of who was around. There was no man walking past."

"You were very lucky, Isabella. You can't go walking around that area of town, especially at night."

"I needed to talk to them. They shot Edward."

The curtain was yanked aside and Charlie stood, scared and angry.

"Bella, what in God's name were you doing? Are you okay?"

I held my grazed palms toward him and shrugged.

"She's fine, she may feel dizzy for a while, but she was very lucky."

"Thank you, Dr Cullen, for calling me."

"No problem, Chief."

"Has Isabella been delusional?"

"No, maybe. She thinks Edward called her on her phone."

"My phone." I screamed. "Where's my phone, Charlie? I have to find it. Edward called me again."

"Calm down. See, Doc? We pretty much know Edward is...no longer with us..". He handed me my phone and the charger.

"Dad, you can say dead. I know he is dead but he calls me on my phone. Dead people can do that. Haven't you ever watched the Psychic Network?"

"Bells, you talk like this and the Doc here will have you locked away, you want that?"

"Actually, Charlie, it's not uncommon. Grief makes a strange bedfellow, our brain often invents some ways to comfort us in our grief." said Dr Cullen smiling sadly at me.

"Anyway, what do we know, maybe the ones we love never truly leave us. Edward loves Bella more than life. Love like that can overcome many obstacles."

I looked him in the eye. Edward LOVES Bella? Does he think Edward is alive or is he just a member of the 'true love never dies' brigade?

"Yeah well. Helluva lucky break that van malfunctioned and rolled like that. Three dead, most just had minor injuries but three had broken necks. Just the luck of the draw, I guess. "

"What are the names of the dead?" I asked, narrowing my eyes.

"Michael Reid, Miles Geddens, Franklin Holmes." Charlie reads off his notepad.

Mick, Milo and Franco.

What a coincidence.

Edward's killers all died in a crash everyone else virtually walked away from, even me, the person it was aiming to run down.

"Drivers in a very bad way. He won't last the day." says Dr Cullen, looking into my eyes, almost like he is making a promise.

I wonder if he is one of those vigilante types, and he plans to slip the driver an untraceable drug?

He can, I know if Edward were alive, he would probably kill the little freak for trying to kill me.

Another doctor walks up.

"Drivers gone, I called it. Never was any chance, What the heck did you make of those injuries? Do you have any idea what would tear his flesh like that?"

"Some kind of animal attack." Dr Cullen held my gaze.

"Well, that's what I call shit luck. Get thrown out of a van as it rolls, and some wild animal that has ventured into town rips half the flesh off your body. I tried to sew him up but it was like a puzzle with lots of missing pieces."

The doctor wandered off again, shaking his head.

"I think the boys had a really large, fierce dog." I say, not knowing why I am making this up, backing up Dr Cullen's story. "It ran away after the attack."

"Great" said Charlie. "Can I borrow a phone, we have to look for it."

Dr Cullen put my chart down and smiled at me.

"I think you can go home,once the nurse cleans and dresses your war wounds. That is, if you take it easy and call me if you get any delayed reaction or headaches."

"Thank you." I smiled back at him. Edward would have liked this doctor.

Charlie followed Dr Cullen and used the phone he indicated.

"Isabella." Dr Cullen said quietly.

"Yes?"

"Be safe."


	5. Chapter 5

**Seeing you are asking nicely , here's Edward...BUT Please review both chapters, see ya next week, avagoodweegend!**

Her Absence Is Everywhere

Chapter 5

Phone Home

"Carlisle, why were you in the store that day? You don't eat, it's a small grocery store."

"Alice saw something, she wasn't sure what, but she knew enough to tell me to be there at that hour and be prepared.

I thought I was there to stop the punks but they shot you so fast, I hadn't made my entry, I dashed to your side but the bullets had entered your chest already. They were earlier than she said, we didn't know the clock she saw in the shop was not accurate so I thought they would run in a few minutes later and I was too late. I regret that deeply Edward. Had I been on time, you would have simply witnessed something weird you couldn't explain, like seeing the three walk into the shop then finding them unconscious on the floor. That was my plan."

I shrugged.

"I want to have Bella changed. Is that bad of me? Selfish? I don't know that I want to live with her, putting her life in constant danger. Are you planning on being at our bedside the rest of her life, waiting and watching in case I slip? Maybe I will be like Emmett and lose control, maybe not the first time, but sometime. What if you arrive too late to save her, like in the store? You planned to stop the punks but you didn't. What if you don't save Bella's life? What if I kill her too fast and you can't even save her at all, and she really dies? Maybe you could just do what you did with Alice, and change her for me."

"This is a major life changing event, I am sorry you didn't get to choose for yourself but do you feel you can choose this life for her? How much do you love her? Enough to wait and see if she recovers and copes, maybe she will move on. I am only reluctant because there is no turning back, if we do this, she can not be around Charlie or any humans for two years probably.

He will not fall for some set up, he will search for her forever. I want you to wait a little while and see. If she is like Rose and has a new life plan, we need to wait. I have no doubt she will choose to be like you, and want you back more than she wants to remain human but maybe she has plans first. I would like to give her that option, Edward. I don't want another 'Rosalie' situation. I know we just see the anger and bitchiness she channels her rage and frustration out by, but Jasper hates to be near her because he picks up the pain and regret. Endless sorrow. We have had to keep Rose away from human babies, she has the insane idea she could steal one and raise it as her own."

"Bella wants children." I sadly admit. It's the main hope she has had, that we would have our little family.

I left and ran through the forest , as always Jasper and Emmett are on my heels, I can't go out alone yet but I am getting to be faster than them. I get away for minutes sometimes.

Alice tells me which direction to run, so I avoid humans.

I ran for miles, up to Canada and Emmett decided my diet needed a new addition. I still feel bad killing deer, why do they have to die so I can live? Funny how I never considered that about the animals who lay in pieces on my dinner plate back when I was cooking with Bella. It was simply meat, bought in a neat pack of styrofoam and saranwrap. Maybe if humans had to kill their own meat, they would all turn vegetarian.

Vegetarian, we are sort of vegetarian, I guess. Vegetarian vampires.

Emmett yells in delight and plays a game with a large, angry grizzly bear while Jasper and I watch. I cringe when the animal scratched Emmett's chest and the shriek it makes as his claws slide off Emm's rock hard torso.

Emmett laughs and dives in to finish it off.

He looks almost as large as the grizzly himself and he moans as he attacks the neck, sucking the sweetest blood ever, he has told us.

"Edward, come have a taste." he calls, like someone offering me a bite of their meal in a restaurant.

My teeth slide through the muscle and sinew easily and the blood pours down my throat.

"Ugh." I jump back.

It's very strongly flavored and thick and I had felt like I might choke as I swallowed it down.

I spit and regret having that experience. No grizzlies for me.

"What? Don't be such a girl. It's delicious." Emmett insists and kicks the body under a boulder he has lifted.

"Alice said you will love mountain lion." says Jasper, nodding towards the other direction.

He jumps up. "Come on."

We ran together and I listened and could hear the creatures heartbeat. He was just around the bend here and I stopped and faced him

He snarled and crouched and slammed into me like a rock.

I reached out and held him off my body and flipped him back and forth until his neck snapped, then I smiled at Jasper. If Alice said it, it will be true.

The hot blood tasted like a rare vintage red wine, and I gasped and drew it in slowly, savoring the flavor as it filled my mouth.

I almost swooned, the more I drank, the more the taste changed. It was like nothing I could compare. It was almost sweet, but savoury as well. Medium density, thinner than bear, thicker than deer.

The scent was amazing, it was truly the ultimate dining experience.

Jasper held a second creature in his hands, and smiled.

"Dessert." he chuckled so I finished my dinner and took the second animal from him.

I shook my head, smiled, and dove into the throat.

Fuck.

I mean, I never expected to enjoy drinking.

I had to do it, for Bella, but man, this was amazing. I never spilt a drop, no way would I waste any of this delightful meal.

I smiled, there were beginning to be small instances of almost contentment in my new life.

Jasper was running, hunting his own meal. Emmett was playing with the grizzly's mate then he killed and drank it. I couldn't believe even he could fit in two entire mature bears.

I do wonder how these creatures like me wandered though my town and I never noticed them, never saw them as something other, because when I look into a mirror, it is no longer Edward Masen who looks back.

My body has changed, I now have the tone and fitness I tried to achieve in life, all that running and protein, yet all I had to do to get it was die. My muscles are hard and rocklike, my skin has no blemishes, the tiny scars and imperfections are all gone. My jaw is sharper, more angular, my face more attractive and masculine at least, now it has perfect symmetry. My crooked grin has gone and now it is quite dazzling. My hair...well, okay the hair is still a fail.

I run my fingers through it and it sticks up, mocking the beauty that has perfected my already good looks.

It's color has subtly changed, where it was a common human auburn, now it is a mix of every shade of gold, and yellow, and auburn, mixed and blended, each shade complimenting the other.

I showered even though there was little need. Habit, I guess.

I was walking back into my bedroom and the boys came in and asked me to join in a game of cards so I threw a pair of jeans on. Alice had fully filled my closet with various outfits, all exactly my size. They fit like a glove. I grabbed a shirt and buttoned it as we walked down the stairs. I did most things at human pace, wanting to practice for when I was back with Bella. If we decided to live as a human/vampire couple, I would need to appear human.

Playing cards was amazing, done at vampire speed. A lot of sleigh of hand went on and for the first time I really relaxed and enjoyed myself. Alice kissed whichever of us would win the next hand on the cheek, before the cards were dealt then the others tried their best to change the outcome but it never happened.

Her lips felt warm against my skin , surprisingly, seeing she was as cold as I was, it made me wonder why. I am sure I would feel icy to a warm, soft human and that meant I was not going to be able to fool my Bella at all.

Alice indulged me on a daily basis, tapping into Bella's thoughts and actions, and I watched her go about her daily life without me. Somedays she was almost okay, somedays she didn't get out of her bed except to use the bathroom and drink coffee.

Charlie or Jake dropped in and handed her takeaway food and stayed long enough to see her eat it, so she would not fade away and starve because of what had happened. She didn't enjoy any of the food, even her favorite meals, but she ate them mechanically, like she knew these men would not go until she did so she endured it.

I loved watching her but her thoughts were always dark and sad and I wanted to see her be happy again. I watched her find my note in the shoebox, and cry over it. I watched her smile at the memory of me buying the boots for her, and I watched her allow a tattoo artist to desecrate her perfect skin and write my words on the back of her shoulder. I wanted to cry, don't spoil your body, Bella, you are perfect.

Then I watched her bite on her bottom lip as she let him inscribe my name on the inside of her wrist. I didn't want her to do that until I saw her smile and touch the word lightly. If it gave her comfort then it was worth marking her skin. She just wanted me with her always. I understood.

We will be together again, my Bella. Hold on. Be strong.

Be Safe.

The happy day she touched me again would be a day of shock and mourning for her in yet another way.

She would have to know I would always be like this, never be the man she knew and married, the warm, fertile man who didn't kill Bambi on a daily basis.

I guess that will be where 'in sickness and in health' comes in. But what a challenge, she didn't marry a vampire, that would have been a full and informed choice. She married a man and now he was dead and a creature of the night was all that remained of him.

Would she want to settle for that, or move on to a warm living, breathing human? I would not blame her if she chose a jacob over me now, no matter who he was. Whether he was Jacob Black, or another man, so long as he loved her like Jacob did, she would be okay.

The more I fed, the faster I was gaining tolerance of the prisoner. I could stand before the cage door now and breath in his scent and control my body. I still wanted him, don't get me wrong, at first all I did was stand mutely and fight with myself, unable to process Carlisle's words as I struggled. I did not want to be a monster. This man, disgusting as he was, had done nothing to harm me and never would. Even if he escaped and attacked me, I could snap his neck with a flick of my wrist.

I stood before him everyday, and this morning, I touched him.

I reached a hand through the bars at human speed and lay it against his chest. I tried to be non threatening but he struggled and tried to back away so Jasper hit him with a dose of calm, and he slumped against the door. This meant I could place both my hands on his chest and just stand there, allowing my body to calm. Carlisle had ordered Jasper to never use his powers on me except in emergencies or if he ordered it. He said the prisoner was completely expendable and would not be going back to society no matter if I ended his life or not, so I was not to worry if I killed him.

I didn't allow myself to dwell on his crimes against children, they were not part of this training. I was only seeing him as a human I had to fight the urge to kill but if I lost control and failed, then at least all I had done was rob a true monster of his cruelty and prevented him abusing more innocents.

I wasn't sure if I had a conscience now, or a soul, come to that.

Carlisle and I discussed both subjects at length. He was of the opinion I definitely had both. He said the fact I grieved for the deer I killed meant my conscience was still there, nagging at me and my actions.

I wondered if I would wrestle with it if I killed this human or would some form of justification begin? He didn't deserve to live, that much was obvious. Even if I was still human, I would not be worried by the death of one such as him. I felt people who harmed others coldly and deliberately, especially children, and particularly simply so they could gain pleasure, deserved to die. The Death Penalty had never been an issue with me. Don't do the crime if you don't want to pay the price befitting your actions.

Suddenly Alice stopped kissing Emmett's cheek and stood still, gazing into space.

"What?" asked Jasper but I was already in her head.

Bella was thinking about doing something dangerous and foolish but Alice was not sure what it was. She watched her thus I watched her, her face was determined, and Alice tapped into her head and showed me the image inside.

Bella was picturing herself finding my burial site and laying down on top of it and letting herself...die.

Alice handed me her cellphone and nodded. I put in her number and watched as Alice showed me a scowling Bella assume it was her father and she informed him she was already leaving.

I was struck dumb by the sound of her voice, but finally I managed to whisper two words to her.

Be safe.

Regularly during the afternoon and evening, Alice watched Bella and we were both relieved when she fell asleep in her old bed at her father's house.

We stopped watching and I was laughing as I tricked Emmett and stole victory again in the card game as Alice had predicted.

Suddenly Alice stood and screamed one word. NO.

I tapped inside and watched, my Bella was in a dark street, walking towards a group of men. I saw immediately the three that had been there, who had ended me. I felt incredible rage and Jasper had to calm me and Emmett was standing on alert, waiting to know what was happening.

We ran outside and Alice handed me the phone and I urged Bella to rethink her intentions. She spoke back to me but kept walking then her phone died.

I threw mine to the ground but Alice retrieved it, and all four of us ran, Alice leading us to where my Bella was.

I didn't want this to be how we met again for the first time but her very existence was in danger.

The van was hurtling towards her and she was smiling and calling my name.

I wanted to run and grab her but Alice quickly flashed me a better scenario and I ran beside the van, rolling it onto it's side, stopping it from hitting her. I stood and made sure my trembling wife was unharmed, she had fallen to the road and the rough uneven surface had grazed her skin. The smell of blood enraged me and instead of attacking her, I pulled the driver out of the window of the broken van and gripped his body and shook him, how dare he try to kill my Bella. He did not deserve to live. Jasper calmed me and dragged me away. I dropped his body and we were gone, so fast it was like we had not even been there. Emmett was behind us in a flash and we met up with Alice and sat by the road as she called the police and sent human help to my Bella.

"I want to go to her." I cried.

"No, not happening." said Emmett, smiling and cracking his fingers.

"Emmett, what did you do?" asked Jasper.

"I just took Edward's revenge out on those three fuckers for him." he grinned.

I didn't care about those punks, I just need to hold and comfort my Bella.

"She's bleeding." said Alice. "It's nothing, just a few scratches, but you saw what the smell did to you, Edward, you tore that man to shreds almost. I can't even begin to explain how you turned your bloodlust into rage, we never managed to divert our cravings, ever. After being changed almost seventy years now, her blood still sang to me. I had to stay back here and resist. You have some awesome control, Edward. You will be able to be with her, soon."

When we returned home, Carlisle immediately dressed and headed for the hospital, promising me he would make sure my girl was okay and taken care of. He had listened open mouthed as Alice told him how Bella's blood had made me lose control for that split second but how I had slashed the driver instead of ending her. I told them, I would never hurt my Bella, why didn't they listen to me?

Alice showed me the scene at the hospital, I saw Charlie and Jake arrive, saw Charlie go inside, heard the conversation between him and Carlisle and Bella.

She was adding to Carlisle's story of an animal attack. I had torn the skin and flesh from the driver's body, I hadn't planned to or meant to, or even realized, I had just wanted to stop him hurting my Bella.

What if we weren't there in time the next time these punks chased her? No, it had to end, and I had inadvertedly made an example of him.

And it seemed Emmett had offed the three who killed me.

I lay on my bed and wondered if I cared that four humans died tonight.

I tried to feel some regret or at least try to wish we had handled it differently, but nothing came to me.

I was glad they were dead.

Four less murderers in the world, more importantly, in the vicinity my Bella lived.

What the hell was she thinking, walking there in the middle of the night, alone?

What did she think she could achieve? Men who shoot random strangers and store clerks do not care about their actions and the consequences. Talking would have gotten her killed.

Alice saw the men in the van drive away, then they discussed how she had seen them all, knew a few names, knew the area they lived. She knew three of them killed me, and she would be back. The one who read the newspaper knew she was the daughter of the Chief of Police and she would simply go home and tell him, it was not like she was some frightened girl afraid to enter a police station.

They had decided she had to die, and they had driven around the block and aimed the car at her, accelerating as they approached. They had murder in their hearts and it didn't bother me that their black hearts no longer beat.

Jasper came to check on me and smiled when he found my mood was calm and almost happy.

"I was worried I would find you all tortured and full of regret, I am pleased to see you have accepted that was the only solution. Those four would never have been rehabilitated. They needed to go, and as they were the leaders, Alice has already seen the others will disband and move on, and mature because their idols are dead. They will be normal citizens, none of the remaining members had signed up for murder, and they all feel lucky to have gotten out now, and survived the car crash. We did good, Edward, and you, you were amazing. Choosing to punish the guilty and not harm your girl. I cannot believe your control. It's truly supernatural."

"I want to go and see her, Jasper. Come with me."

"Edward, I don't think you are ready yet."

"How much control do you have over me?"

"I can stop you in your tracks if need be, render you unconscious for maybe an hour."

"Then come with me and if I hurt Bella in any way, just do that. I need to feel her in my arms and know she is okay. I promise, ten minutes. Then I will leave her willingly and come home again with you.'

"Maybe we should take Emmett."

"Where is he?"

"He took the women hunting, he doesn't like Rose to hunt without him so Esme and Alice went as well. He is taking them out for grizzly."

"So, they will be gone for hours? Come on, Jasper. I need to see her now and you are in control."

"Edward, we need a plan then. I will wait down below her window and monitor your mood but if anything changes and you become inflicted with bloodlust, I am dropping you like a stone and tossing you out the window. She will know something is up, it will all be so quick it will be like you dematerialized. Your secret will be out, she will know something, just not have the answers she will want."

"I will call her and explain, a little at a time. She knows now we can talk on the phone, she won't hang up or tell."

"I know she won't, Alice already saw you two talking this way regularly from now on. Come on, but don't fight me, Edward. Well, you won't be able to. If I drop you, just know it was for her, or your own good. Don't resent me."

"I won't, Jasper. I could never visit her alone, yet. Thank you."

We ran through the forest and I scaled the tree in a flash, so much faster than when I was a teenager.

She lay in her old bed, and I could hear Charlie's heartbeat as he slept in his bedroom. Jake and the other officers were out, trolling the streets, looking for a wild dog.

I walked slowly and saw her face. Asleep, she was silent and calm and resting.

I stood and looked at her, and she suddenly threw back her blankets and writhed against the mattress.

"Edward" she spoke, still sleeping.

She was clearly dreaming about me, but without Alice to link me in, I couldn't read her mind. How strange.

The one mind I long to read.

I watched her as she sighed and her hand slid down her body.

Oh, she was having one of those dreams. A sex dream.

"Edward, I need to..." she cried and rubbed at herself.

I slowly took her hand away and replaced it with my own, sliding a single cold finger inside her warmth.

She smiled and bucked against my hand.

Her clit hit against my palm and her arousal was everywhere, I breathed it in.

I lay beside her and kept a quilt between us as I massaged her nub and felt her begin to tighten.

Suddenly I was laying on top of her, my clothes shredded, my erection inside her, and I was making love to my wife again. It was over quickly, I shot my seed inside her as she closed in and her walls pulsed against me.

"Edwardddd" she choked out into the night as her climax hit.

She was still asleep and I was hurtling through the air, my mouth clamped on Jaspers hand.

We landed on the ground outside her window with a thump.

"What happened?" I cried.

"You were going to bite her throat. I put my hand in your mouth instead. That was way too dangerous, Edward. What were you thinking?"

"I wasn't, I didn't. I was just touching her body and suddenly I was inside her, making love to her. I didn't decide to do it, it just happened."

"Many a teenage boy would understand. You are like an adolescent again, you need to learn more than bloodlust control, you need to learn to control plain old lust."

We ran home and Carlisle gasped at the sight of my tattered clothing, my jeans were gone completely, my shirt tails alone covered my genitals.

"What happened?"

"We went to visit Bella and Edward made love to her." Jasper explained."He's very quick, I pounced and stopped him biting her but I was too late to prevent him coming inside her. Will it hurt her?"

Carlisle frowned.

"Did the smell of her blood bother you, from her grazes?" he asked.

"I don't think I even noticed. I was just...touching her and next thing I was inside her and we both reached orgasm together and Jasper threw me off her and out the window. I didn't hurt her, thanks to him."

"Then I will go knock on their door and pretend I always check on any patient who may have post trauma after an attack like she went through. Stay here. I mean it."

We sat and waited and I thanked Jasper again and again as he licked the new bite mark on his hand. It closed and became a slight, silvery scar.

"Just one more scar, Edward. I have plenty. Emmett tended to bite when he was a newborn. I couldn't control him at first, until he hit about six months. It took Carlisle to hold him while I calmed him but often he got a bite in. My battle scars." he said, pulling his sleeves up and showing me the silvery marks up his arms. I was ashamed to have added another, but he had saved my Bella, and thus me. If I had killed her... I had to stay away and only talk to her by phone. Until Carlisle changed her for me. I hope it will be soon.

We had discussed it and he felt one year from the day I disappeared was fair. If she didn't have a new boyfriend by then, he would talk to her and let her choose.

I will be calling her every week, and once I explain and she accepts the truth of our situation, I will call her every day. And every night.

If she wants to join me, I will be so happy. I need her, and I really don't see how keeping her human could work. Look at tonight.

No, she will need to be changed so we can forget this year and resume our lives together.

Carlisle came home and the look on his face scared me.

"What?"

"I spoke to Charlie and he woke Bella up. She didn't appear upset or hurt, I don't know that she evenknew you had been there. The pills I have her on are pretty powerful. But there's a complication."

"What?" I begged him to tell me.

"She conceived tonight, Edward. I could hear the starting of a tiny heartbeat. The embryo is already a fetus. Bella is having your baby. It's half vampire."


	6. Chapter 6

His Absence Is Everywhere

Chapter 6

A Baby Story

I sat facing Dr Cullen and frowned.

"I don't think a pregnancy test is necessary. I mean, Edward has been...gone, for months, I think I would know by now if I was pregnant. And we weren't trying , I was on The Pill before he left. I was safe the last time.."

"Bella, you have been through so much trauma, I just need to check every possibility. Cover all our bases."

He smiled at me and I shrugged and gave in. My waistline was disappearing but that happened suddenly, after months of not caring what or even if I ate, suddenly nothing was safe from me. I cooked breakfast for Charlie just so I could cook extra and eat with him. I never let on I had already eaten at home. It didn't make sense unless this is yet another grief reaction, maybe I am trying to fill the emptiness Edward's going left.

Oh shit, does Dr Cullen think I am sleeping with someone new now? Like Jake? I know he has been close and has helped me over some rocky patches and even stayed over some rough nights but we never...I would never...

I have heard some women express grief by sleeping with random men or trying to replace their lost love quickly, needing to feel something new to bear the end of the something old, but I had not been struck with that impulse at all.

I quickly took the small container and headed for the restroom. Once he sees this is just what happens to women who eat all the pies, he will probably give me some diet advice and tell me to put down the fork.

I handed the sample in to the nurse and returned to wait the results.

Dr Cullen took a blood sample and then checked my grazes. They were pretty much healed, they had not even been deep in the first place.

"Good, good. Everything looks good."

He took my blood pressure and I sighed and wondered how come suddenly I had landed myself with the most thorough doctor to ever grace Forks.

He left no stone unturned. But I won't need him much now. I think the weaning process he has me on to get off the medication he prescribed to help me cope, is working. I am not having any anxiety, I guess I am at peace now I know Edward made it safely through whatever we all must pass through to get to the Other Side.

I think I dreamt he rang me this morning, it was an 'on pill' night, I take them every third night now so those nights are pretty much spent in oblivion, and the phone call sort of woke me up. I grabbed it and I couldn't quite make my mouth move, I was so relaxed.

"Bella, I just wanted to say I love you and please be strong. And be safe. I promise everything will be okay. I am still with you, love. We will be together in time. I love you."

It was kind of surreal. It sounded just like Edward only more...musical? Can a voice be musical?

I couldn't answer or put the phone down, I just held it and listened to the sounds of silence for a while, and imagined what Heaven is like. I wonder of my Edward still looks the same? He already had the face of an angel.

"Bella, I have the test results."

Dr Cullen's words pulled me back into the present.

"Bella, don't be alarmed but you are pregnant."

"No, I'm not" I scoffed."I... Dr Cullen, I don't know what you have heard, Forks being a town the size of a postage stamp, but Jake and I...we haven't...I wouldn't...I will love Edward forever. I suppose it's kind of theoretically possible one day I may move on but that's many years down the track. You didn't know Edward...did you?"

"I have met Edward, yes." he replied.

"Oh, I thought you came here after he died."

"I have lived here for a few years, Bella. I just didn't practice medicine until when I first started treating you."

"Oh. Must have been nice, having a break. So, Edward died six months and four days ago. Are you telling me I got to six months and five days pregnant without any symptoms?"

"Bella, women have gone into labor , full term labor, without any pregnancy symptoms. Have you really had to nausea, no tiredness?"

"I am tired all the time, I have been ever since Edward left. I don't remember if I felt nausea back then, I was pretty much out of it, dead almost. I was in such pain I imagine I would have ignored anything as minor as nausea. Can I really be pregnant?"

"Let's do a scan and see what I can see. The tests say yes, both the blood test and the urine, they are pretty accurate. I have never had both give a false positive. We shall see, shall we? This way."

I followed him and changed into the pitiful excuse for a gown, I tore it putting it on the nurse sighed and handed me a new one.

"it's not like it covers anything." I complained and she laughed.

The bed was hard and the gel on my belly was cold and icky, but the minute that screen showed a real live baby moving about, I forgot everything but the fact I still had a living, soon to be breathing, piece of Edward still in my life. I burst into tears and held a hand out toward the screen.

"Is it a boy? Please let it be a boy." I begged him.

"Let's take a look. Yes, Bella, it is a boy. Look."

I stared in wonder at my son.

Edward's son.

Now I just need to hope he has Edward's hair, crazy as it was. He gave up trying to control it when he was 13. Before that, he slathered gel and mousse and mudd and tried to smooth it down neatly, then he started swimming and just gave up. The girls all thought it was sexy, he told me, so he decided to not worry, and just let it be whatever it wanted to be.

Elizabeth had copied his best baby photos for me and I had them scattered in frames and albums around the house. I even had one as my wallpaper on my phone until I changed it for a wedding photo.

All his baby photos show this adorable fat baby with a mass of wild copper hair. Elizabeth was always pulling a hat or beanie over it, but Edward liked it out in the open air. He started tugging on it as a tiny baby and never gave up that habit. Whenever he was stressed or worried, his hand went straight to his head.

I used to bet him he would be bald as a bandicoot by the time he was 30 if he didn't stop. I did my share of tugging on that hair, and running my fingers through it.

And his eyes. Give me the order of features I would prefer this baby to have because I need him to have Edward's green eyes. Like emeralds. I have seen others with green eyes but his were as clear as the sea, as green as possible. Beautiful.

I knew how lucky I was to be alive when I woke up and found those green eyes looking into mine.

He used to tease me because I hated the color of my own eyes, boring brown, until he gazed into them one day and told me all the colors and secrets my eyes held for him, and I stopped complaining.

Anyone who can look in and see all that beauty and hope in these plain eyes?

He was a poet. He had such a way with words. His songs were all full of hope and joy and love.

I guess I always knew I wouldn't have him forever.

Beauty like that just is too much to keep around. Too good for this world, my Nan used to say about her friends who died young, and it must be true. Edward was just too beautiful and good for this lousy world, but suddenly the world just got a whole lot better.

"When is it due? How pregnant was I when Edward died?" I asked. God, I wish he had known. Though, would that have made it easier or even harder for him to die? Knowing I had his son, would have been a comfort but he would have wanted to be here for this baby. He gave up smoking, well he was almost there, he refused to stay in the grip of the addiction any longer, and he was winning his fight.

He knew how much I wanted babies.

He did too, but Edward was one of those rare men who wanted what his wife wanted. He would have even agreed to none, if I hadn't wanted them. Or sixteen.

What he wanted was always secondary to what I wanted.

I wish I could say I was the same but most of the time, we both wanted the same thing.

I only get one baby now but heck, that is a million times better than none.

"I am afraid modern technology lacks the ability to accurately predict when a baby was conceived, I say we wait and see how things go, before I commit myself for an EDD. But everything looks fine. Bella, I should warn you now, from the start, I think you may need a c section. You are so tiny and Edward being six foot 3, well, small mother, big baby, do the math. I think it will need assistance out into the world so it's best to accept it will be by an operation. But there's no other problems. The baby looks fine."

I was surprised he couldn't hazard a guess at my due date.

I have heard women say the scan changed their EDD by a week, the images were that precise...yet he can't even give me a ballpark figure?

Maybe he is not as fantastic doctor as everyone says.

Maybe this is why he is so careful and thorough, maybe he needs to be sure. I can wait, it won't matter to me when this boy arrives, so long as he is full term and healthy.

I dressed and went home, my heart beating again, new hope, new reason to live.

Charlie was concerned when I asked he be home for dinner tonight and not take an extra shift, and to make sure he brought Jake home as well.

I grabbed the ingredients needed at the supermarket and headed to Charlie's.

My belly still felt kind of icky, so I took a shower, and froze when I felt a distinct kick in my front.

Holy Moly, how had I missed this belly? It seemed to be growing in front of me. There is no way anyone would believe I hadnt noticed it before. It must have increased so slowly I just didn't notice until the news. It seems the opposite, though. It seems like it was still flat a week ago and now it's definitely curved.

I rested a hand over my bump and the little baby kicked me again, moving my hand.

Whoa. What strength he had! Even if Dr Cullen hadn't been able to tell me the gender, I would have guessed boy. He is all football player.

I had indulged myself and bought a pair of maternity jeans and a dress straight after leaving Dr Cullen. I think the dress, for tonight. Special occassion.

The men came in and my Dad reacted at the sight of me in a frock. He looked as surprised as he would have had Jake worn it instead.

"That's pretty, Bella. I can't remember the last time you wore a dress. Oh yeah, it was white and lacy and you were on my arm going down the aisle."

"Haha, Charlie, I do wear dresses. Now come eat. Hi Jacob."

Jake kissed my cheek and I hurriedly served dinner, roast lamb with all the trimmings. I want my men in a good mood, and very receptive to my good news. I don't need Dad going all concerned about me being a single mom. I will cope. It's way better than my former title of lonesome widow.

"I went to visit Dr Cullen today and he had the very best news possible. Edward left a baby inside me when he died. I am going to be a Mom. Edward is going to be a Dad after all. I know, it will be rough and I will need you both to help me, but please understand, if I can't have Edward himself back, this is the best news. And I had no idea."

"Bella, are you sure, Honey? This is not like the phone calls 'Edward' makes, is it?"

"Dad, it is fine that you don't believe me about it being Edward who calls me, I know it is him and that's all that matters. This baby is real."

I handed him the four photos Dr Cullen had handed me.

"Look, there he is. Your grandson."

Charlie got misty eyed and he looked pointedly at my stomach. I smoothed my dress against my belly and he almost flipped his chair over.

"You were so thin, I was asking the doctor to find a way to force feed you two weeks ago. Now look at that."

He was clearly shocked at my bump.

"It's not that big." I defended.

"It's enormous considering you were concave two weeks ago, Bella. Is it just one baby?"

"There's only one in the photos, I think we can safely assume there is just the one."

"Wow" said Jake.

He traced his fingers over the images and smiled at me.

"You will be an amazing mother, Bells. I know it. I envy this kid. A boy, hey. Neat."

"Yeah, neat. I know Edward always wanted a girl but I have always been mad keen to have a boy like him. I hope he is 100% Edward."

"You won't even care, the moment he is laid on your belly, you will be so in love with him you won't care if he has copper eyes and green hair." laughed Jake.

"True" I said, laughing.

"Are you moving back in here, then?" my Dad asked.

"Nope, I will be fine. I will get Angela to come over and help, you know she is a sucker for a baby. I hope she and Ben get to have one eventually. It's sad they haven't managed to conceive yet."

"Maybe Ben likes all the practice runs before he gets her pregnant." offered Jake.

"I'm looking for those baby pictures your mother had framed in that big frame, there are a dozen or more snaps of you as a tiny baby. Maybe it's in the attic. I will be right back."

Charlie went upstairs, talking to himself about possible locations of the frame.

Jake siddled up to me and put his long arms around my waist from behing, gently kissing my cheek.

"Bells, you will need a man to help you raise this child. Don't say no yet, think about it. You know I would do anything at all for you. If you need a husband, or just a father, I am your man. I know I can never replace Edward and I wouldn't even try to. I am just thinking it would be sad for the baby to never have a Dad. It was hard for you not having a Mom all those years, before Renee decided she wanted to try again, and failed miserably."

He kissed my neck and placed his hands on my belly.

"No, Jake, don't." I stepped back.

Wrong hands. Wrong arms. If they can't be Edward's...

I waited in bed for Edward to call. When he did I jumped in after his first "Bella, I love you."

"Edward, we are going to have a baby. Dr Cullen can't give me a date but soon. No more than three months away , we know that much. How wonderful."

"Bella, that's amazing. I am so happy."

"It's a boy. I know you wanted a girl but... "

"I'm glad it's a boy, Bella. You will be amazing raising my son. Maybe the next one will be a girl." he said.

"What? I know you can talk on the phone but I think impregnating me from where you are would be pretty impossible."

"Oh, you never know."

"Edward, is it nice there?"

"It's nice enough. I miss you."

"I miss you too. I wish I could be with you. I would do anything to be with you."

"I need you to stay and have my baby. I am sure we will be together again one day, love."

"Really? Do you know that for sure? Do you know those things now?"

"Yes, I can promise you that. We will be together."

"I have to raise our baby first."

"Bella, we will talk, every day. One day soon I may have a solution. We may be able to visit or touch, maybe if you dream about me, it will be like I am there."

"I wish I could touch you, Edward. Are you cold now?"

"I guess I am. How did you know?"

"Oh, I just had a dream. The night of the car accident, when the van almost squished me. I had a dream and it was very real. You were cold."

"See, dream of me and it can be like I am right there sometimes."

"I do dream of you every night but I am so lonely in our bed, Edward. Couldn't you materialize or something, at night? I won't make you speak or anything, I know that takes a lot of energy for you now."

"I can try, my Bella. I will try and be there tonight. I want to feel our son. Does he kick you yet?"

"He did, twice today. It was awesome, Edward. He is going to be named after you."

"Okay, whatever you want, my Bella."

"I want you, Edward."

"I know my love. I know."

"You sound almost tired. Call me tomorrow?"

"I will Bella. If you feel me near you tonight, lie very still and don't try any..touching. I will touch you, you just be very very still. Okay?"

"Sure. Good night Edward. I love you."

"Goodnight and sweet dreams my Bella. I love you for eternity."

I had another shower and washed my hair and spent ages drying it with the dryer, then slid into bed, naked.

If I can imagine Edward here, I want to feel him all over. I fell asleep, hoping my dreams would lead me to my love.

In my dreams, I felt Edward there, beside me. His arms slid around me as he spooned my body and he moved in closer and closer then stopped when we were touching all the way. He did feel cold, but it was not unpleasant.

I sighed and smiled in my sleep. He was right, I could make him almost real by just dreaming. I spent the entire night locked in his arms and I swear, he even left the mattress slightly imprinted where he had lain.

I rubbed my hand over the slight inward dint, and felt the coldness there.

"Thank you, Edward." I said, opening my eyes and feeling the baby kick me sharply.

My belly looked bigger, laying down. Then I stood up.

Shit.

I had heard you can be in trouble if you start retaining extra fluid and that must be it, because my bump had grown overnight. I guess I will be seeing Dr Cullen again today.

I rubbed the baby.

"Be good, be safe. You are all I have of him now. You and his voice on my phone."


	7. Chapter 7

Her Absence is Everywhere

Chapter 7

Living Next Door To Alice

Edward's Story

I lay on my bed and waited anxiously for Alice to admit me into her thoughts and sights. I can see what she sees, and hear what she hears if I concentrate and tune in her alone. I can hear the words of the people she speaks to but not their thoughts, but as I cannot read Bella's mind anyway, it is irrelevant.

Operation Get Edward Back To Bela has begun in earnest. I have to be able to live with her by the time the baby is born. Carlisle is making daily housecalls and taking Bella in for sonograms every three days, the baby is growing rapidly. He is between a rock and a hard place when she nags for a due date, as it changes every single day. Some days she grows a week's worth, some days a whole month. He thinks it will be born in two months, as his best guess, and his calculations, averaging all the increases in her girth. That means a three month pregnancy so the baby will be born just days after the nine month mark when I died.

He will fudge things is she takes longer, tell her the baby is overdue or a slow grower or has some medical condition that extended the pregnancy, whatever fits the scenario.

I am feeding several times each day and spend most of my days with the prisoner, up very close, and he has been joined by a woman who sold her babies to...unsuitable parents. Rose brought her home as a gift for me and told me to feel free to 'end the bitch' so now I am around a female as well, and I am grateful to Rose because it is different, more challenging, especially coping at 'that time of the month'. The blood lost is dead, but it is still something I need to be exposed to, seeing Bella will bleed after delivery.

Carlisle is optimistic he will be able to deliver baby Masen by C section in a routine delivery, no special extra complications, seeing all seems normal.

I have started to wander the streets at night, and expose myself to humans as they sleep, but I always end up in the same bed. Bella's. She dreams of me and talks to me in her sleep and she now snuggles in close to me when I lay behind her.

She always relaxes and sighs when I touch her. I have been able to bring her relief with my fingers as she sleeps, the pregnancy seems to have made her very horny, but Jasper keeps things under control and keeps my lust at a low level so I can pleasure her and not need to make love to her, or relieve myself until after we leave, as dawn breaks.

Alice enjoys our visits to Bella and is always ready and waiting for Jasper to use up all the urges that he has been subjected to in the night, but for me, it's a cold shower and my own hand.

I still refuse to entertain any thoughts of using a vamp lover to teach me control. Carlisle has faith I can learn control by my sheer willpower.

Experiencing Bella's unique scent and arousal, I have learned to think myself into a state of calm, rather like meditation, and I hope to be able to make love to her once she recovers from the birth.

The implications of living with a human and half human are worrisome, so I spend many days with the prisoners, making their meals, sitting in the cell with them, resisting all urges to hunt them down.

I have allowed myself to go without drinking for three days, just in case that will ever be necessary.

Carlisle stood by the cell and frowned.

"You are pushing things, Edward. I can't imagine any scenario where you won't be able to leave and hunt. Even if Bella was to fall ill, I would stand in for you at her bedside, or Esme could, we need to start having her meet us all. Now go feed."

"A few more hours, what if we should get snowed in, or worse? And I couldn't leave to hunt?"

"Edward, there are very few situations a vampire could not fight his way out of, I think you are being foolhardy."

I was determined to last through the night but the woman rolled over in her sleep beside where I sat and the scent of her body wafted my way and before I could stop, my mouth was on her exposed neck.

I stopped just in time, and left immediately.

I was shaky and my instincts were kicking in loud and clear. I growled and snapped my teeth a few times and had to rid my mind of every other thought and concentrate on staying essentially human, and forced myself to run away and not turn back again. Carlisle threw me a young deer, which I killed quickly and drained, then left to hunt further.

I took down three mature adult deer and drained them in quick succession.

Emmett loves running to the wildlife park in Canada so he brings me home tired but angry mountain lions, each time and I reward myself for my progress with this awesome treat.

I cannot explain why they appeal to me so much, their blood just suits the raging thirst in my throat and stills it for hours, even days if I drain two at a time.

I wish we had them closer to home, a diet exclusively of these creatures would overcome my desire for humans completely.

Thus I begin wondering if we should move to Canada.

Some day Bella will be changed, all being well, and she will need isolation and no chance of being detected by Charlie. He will be relentless, and will try to find her ever more desperately after the baby is born and we take them away from him. There seems to be no other solution. The baby will be literally a newborn, in every sense and may well kill his own grandfather. We have no idea if he will be born with control, and how much.

Carlisle plans to deliver the baby here at his home and depending on how it goes, he will come up with a story, the worst being announcing Bella and baby both died during delivery. It may be necessary.

Alice knocked on Bella's door. Jasper stood at her side, ready to moderate any bloodlust Alice may feel. They are the two safest of us, apart from Carlisle, but he can hardly leave Esme and move in with a patient. How the town would talk!

I watched as Bella opened the door.

"Hi, My name is Alice Brandon, and this is my boyfriend Jasper Whitlock. We heard you were looking to take in some housemates and we would like to apply. We are both working, so the money isn't a problem and we would share one bedroom, and I am quiet and neat and happy to help out around the house. Jasper has a job in town and he will be home nights, and so, maybe, you would feel safer with a man about the house? I know I would."

"Oh" said Bella, blushing madly. Her skin turned an appealing shade of red and the sound of her blood pounding so close to the surface of her skin took Alice unawares. Alice stopped breathing and stepped back, pretending to admire a flower in the garden. The moment passed, Jasper relaxed her and Bella smiled.

"I hadn't really made up my mind. I am somewhat pregnant, as you can see, and I kind of feel quite lonely, a housemate, or two, might solve that. Where do you work?"

She opened the door and gestured for them to go inside.

I saw them sit and Alice answered.

"We are part time students, at college, and we are on a bit of a study break, doing work for Carlisle Cullen, the local doctor. You know him. He suggested we visit and see if we could all live together."

"Yes, he is my doctor. Isn't he wonderful? Mind you, he was the one who discovered I was pregnant months after my husband died, so I may be factoring some extreme gratefulness into my hero worship."

Alice laughed.

"We kind of know some of your situation. Carlisle didn't break any patient confidentiality but this town, people talk."

"I know that too well. I was widowed and had no idea this little champ was on the way but he is keeping me sane. Well, my Dad might not agree about the sane part, but he has given me a reason to go on and a future I didn't know I had."

"That's wonderful for you. We know how much you love Edward, we used to see you two around town together."

"Really? I would have expected to remember you. Did you ever meet Edward?"

"Edward and I have met."

"Oh, that's so cool. I love that everyone remembers him, it makes things a tiny bit easier."

"He is still with you in many ways." she stated and Bella smiled broadly.

"Oh, he is. Charlie, my dad, is all for accepting his loss and moving on but Edward keeps in touch from beyond, in many ways. My Dad is a 'show me the proof and I shall believe' type, but I have faith that Edward is not truly dead, not completely gone from me."

"Good, I believe in a lot of things others shun. He is still around you, I can tell you that." Alice answered.

Bella beamed.

"I know, right. I think this is a great idea. When can you move in? I really need someone who won't threaten to have me committed every time I mention Edward and our unbreakable bond."

"Is today too soon? We have been staying with Carlisle and his wife Esme but don't want to overstay our welcome. You know how it is, they have a houseful, with their other lodgers. You have to meet Esme, and Emmett McCarty and Rosalie Hale. They are students as well."

"I don't actually know anything personal about Dr Carlisle."

"Oh he is lovely. Now, could we see our room so I can see what furniture will fit? Is it okay if I redecorate? Have you done the nursery yet? I love redoing rooms, and Esme is amazing at creating the perfect nursery, I must bring her back with me."

Bella showed Alice our main guestroom and attached bathroom, of no interest to Alice but she enthused about the multihead shower for show, and she and Jasper left, promising to return within the hour.

Esme and Emmett returned with them, Rose having decided she wasn't in the mood to meet a mere human, but I understood. She envied Bella's swollen belly too much at the moment and needed a little time and space. I wished I could go with them but the closest I dared was in the forest behind our backyard, where I watched my Bella's every move thanks to Alice.

Emmett was captivated by her and lifted her carefully, and kissed her soundly on the cheek.

"So, this is Edward's little wifey. He misses you , but I bet you appreciate his night visits." he laughed and wagged his eyebrows at a confused Bella.

Esme adored Bella on sight and spent an hour with her in the nursery, discussing what Bella liked or disliked when it came to baby's rooms. Bella had bought a few basics but Esme and Alice took her baby furniture shopping and came back loaded with every possible thing she could possibly need, all on Carlise's creditcard, which apparently had no limit as Alice spend a few minutes each day playing the stock market and boosting the family coffers by thousands that way.

Money was never a problem with a psychic pixie in the family.

Bella was rather overwhelmed at their generosity but Jasper put her in a suitably receptive mood and she allowed them to buy whatever they wanted.

I think she had been too anxious to do all this preparation, the baby was still too unreal to her yet.

That evening, as Bella lay in bed, tired and happy, I slipped into her bed and kissed her cheek.

"Edward?" she said, confused. "Am I asleep?"

"No, my sweet, but this appearing at night is getting easier for me now I have been doing it some weeks."

She was surprised but accepting, being Bella.

"Can I touch you?" she asked, laying in our bed, on her side, facing me.

"Of course, just no sudden moves and tell me what you are going to do so I don't vanish. We have to take things slow, my love, but I will get better at staying if I am never surprised by your actions."

"Could you put your arms around me?" she asked a little in awe.

I slid an arm beneath her and pulled her in closer.

"Edward, this is amazing. Is it because I believe in the afterlife that you can do this? Be here?"

"Your belief in our love, my need to be with you, many things. We will talk and I can explain certain things to you as we go."

"You look amazing. Your hair...it's beautiful, Edward, it has so many colors now. But your eyes..."

"Sorry, the price we pay to go on living such as it is."

"I have never imagined you with any color but green, it seems weird. They are pretty, but so unusual. Wait, I have these two new housemates, Alice and Jasper, they actually have eyes that color! And so does Dr Cullen. Yet I have never seen anyone with eyes like that before."

She mulled it over in her head, way too perceptive as always.

"Edward...they aren't dead too, are they?"

Only Bella would catch on so fast and come to that conclusion.

"In a manner of speaking."

"I live with dead people? I like them. Jasper is very quiet but he makes me feel so relaxed, like he is massaging my mind. Alice is hyper but have you seen the nursery? She and Esme did it all, in one day. I just lay on our bed here and let them go, and it was transformed in a few hours."

In fact, it was transformed in a few minutes but they waited the appropriate length of time before revealing it to Bella.

Alice had dragged Jasper off to the forest for some vampire delights, seeing he had to be on watch at nights, making sure nothing happened between Bella and I that could get out of control.

"Edward " she suddenly asked excitedly. "If Alice and Jasper and the Cullens are dead and they get to walk around all day and be like living people, will you be able to do that one day? Will I be able to have you back?"

"I hope so, my love. But it will take work on both our parts. We have to be very careful at first, I am a lot stronger than I was, I have to take a lot of care not to hurt you in any way."

She smiled and stroked my face, beaming in excitement.

I wasn't sure when to start with the story about what we really are, she seems totally accepting the dead can return, so I think maybe a few days of just thinking that may be best for her.

"Do you get to eat anything you want now? I always hoped once I died, I could eat chocolate or strawberries all day and never gain an ounce. It must be like that to be Heaven, right?"

"Actually, we don't eat at all, love."

"Bugger. I did notice nobody took me up on my offers of coffee and quiche. I thought they just mistrusted my cooking abilities."

"No, but it will be easier for them now you know, and they don't have to pretend or refuse your food."

"Do you miss eating?"

"I...have found something to replace it, we can sustain ourselves by a certain method of hunting."

"Animals?"

"Sort of. Don't worry about that now. Can I feel our son kick?"

Bella took my hand and placed it on her belly and the baby tried to kick it away, so I relaxed and let him.

"He is so strong. He can push my hand off anytime . I think he likes showing me he is the boss. Typical male."

I stilled as I started to hear a new voice in my head.

Could it be...? Really?

Alice appeared at our open door.

"Edward, can you hear him?" she asked excitedly.

"My God, it is him? How incredible."

"Who?" asked a bewildered Bella.

"I can hear our son's thoughts." I told her.

"Is it a being dead thing?"

"Yes...he says he loves you. He says he can't wait to be born and feel your arms around him."

"Really? Edward, this is a miracle. Can you read my thoughts?" she asked.

"No, my Bella, your mind is not available to me. But I can read your face and I know how happy you are, at last. I have missed seeing you smile like this."

"I missed you so much, Edward. I was so happy when you started doing the phone thing. Oh My God, Charlie will have me locked up if I slip and mention you can visit me at night."

"Then you have to be on alert and never slip." I warned, kissing her hand.

"You feel so cold. Are you cold, too, Alice?"

Alice walked closer and held a hand out and Bella touched it.

"So, being dead makes what, your body cold because your heart stops beating?"

"You noticed that?" I asked, astonished.

"Edward, you have laid behind me, or with me on your chest for a while now, I did notice the lack of heartbeat. It's to be expected. Now you can't be taken away from me again."

She sighed and wriggled in closer.

Alice smiled and waved and went back to her room, and her husband.

Bella turned on the bedside lamp and gazed at my face, tracing her fingers across my jawline, down my nose, across my eyebrows.

"I never thought you could get better looking but you have. Death becomes you." she smirked.

She shivered and I rolled us apart and pulled her quilt across her body and tucked her into it.

"Sorry about the whole cold thing."

"Edward," she sobbed, her mood changing instantly."I just want this to be real, to have you back. I don't care about how cold you are, I just need you to stay so much."

The tears flowed down her cheeks and the deathgrip on my hand may have hurt if I were human.

"I want to stay, too, my Bella. It just may take time for me to be able to be here all the time but Carlisle has been training me so I can stay as long as I do, all night some nights."

"I love that but I need you here when I am awake."

"Bella, it's time you quit your job or at least took a career break. There is money in our account, I came into an inheritance just before I was killed, I was going to tell you that day, and it's in our bank account now. You never need to work again." Thanks to Alice.

"I like going to work. I need to be around people."

"I know but I am here now, I will be here whenever I can, and we need to get you rested before the birth. And you will have Alice and Jasper, they don't have to be anywhere else, except when we hunt. And we can take turns, Alice can stay with you while I go with Jasper."

"Why don't Alice and Jasper hunt together?" she asked.

"I need Jasper to be around us, Bella, he keeps things calm. I am not fully safe yet, I could hurt you if I lost control."

"Edward, this is kind of weird. You are dead but you could hurt me, lose control? I don't understand this type of dead. It's not what I was expecting."

"Bella, think of this as a stage between life and death as we know it to be. I am here but I have no pulse, no heartbeat. I don't eat food but I need to hunt. I am cold but strong. I have the capability to hurt you but I am learning to control that urge. I have the Cullens to help me and one day I will tell you everything."

"And you can read minds, just not mine, yet you can read the mind of an unborn baby?"

"So it seems."

"I will work this out, Edward. You look different too, I don't understand why death has made you more attractive. It's you, but not you. If I saw you in the street, and I was just a friend, not your wife, I would think 'Oh there's Edward Masen' then I would look closer and think 'No, he is very like Edward, but not quite. Must be a close relation, a brother.' Of course, being your wife, I just want you back so badly I would accept you in any form."

I started to feel uncomfortable and Jasper knocked at our door.

"Time to hunt, Edward. You have been up close long enough. Come back tonight."

"I have to go, my love. It is necessary. Alice will stay and I expect you will have some more visitors today. Be safe."

I kissed her forehead and the thirst doubled so I flew from her bed faster than her eyes could follow. It didn't matter, she no longer expected strictly human behaviour now.

I listened and watched as Alice sat beside her and talked excitedly about today's visitors.

Esme and Carlisle were calling in and Emmett wanted to bring Rose over for a quick introduction.

I hunted quickly, wanting to get it over with and Jasper smiled at my newfound eagerness to drain multiple deer without any hesitation. Now I got the reward of being with Bella, I could force a hundred deer down my throat if needed.

"We should go back to the house and spend some time up close with the prisoners. Your control is amazing. But we have one more vital stage to go."

I was confused, I had been able to touch and speak to the two unfortunates, no problem.

Jasper urges me into the cell and I sat with my body touching both the man and the woman. I sat for hours, watching Bella interact, watching Rose wilt and weaken and be captivated by my wife. Bella was so open and generous, I think Rose realized she could have access to the baby if she became Bella's friend instead of holding herself at arm's length.

Jasper walked slowly toward the man, and showed me what he was about to do.

"Concentrate Edward. One day your wife will suffer a papercut, or a small graze, you need to learn to tolerate the smell of blood."

He took the man's arm and sliced a small incision , and the aroma hit me. I stiffened and ceased breathing. We all sat as still as statues, even the prisoners sensed this was essential and slowly, I allowed a small amount of air back into my lungs. My throat burned like a bitch, despite the fullness of my belly.

"Bella, Bella, Bella" I chanted, making my mind see only her, ignoring the gentle flow that streamed down the man's arm. I moved closer, chanting, keeping my thoughts on her.

The blood reeked and called to me.

"BELLA, BELLA, BELLA" I screamed, and pushed the victim away and got the hell out, running for the forest where a large male deer fell as I crashed into it's side, all my grace and control gone as I savagely ripped his neck open and lapped at the flowing nectar.

I lay down and breathed in a lot of breaths that seemed suddenly necessary. My clothes were filthy, caked with blood from the slain deer, and Jasper silently cleaned up and buried the body, afraid if it were found by hikers an alert would be raised that bears were here.

"I failed the test." I cried out to him.

"Edward, it isn't a test, it's a process. You didn't fail. You ran,and left him alive. That's a pass in my book. I don't even want to tell you how many prisoners I ripped to shreds when Carlisle trained me, and Emmett, we had to travel far and wide to keep up the supply of wrongdoer's, seeing Carlisle has such strict perimeters they must fall inside to qualify. You have not killed a prisoner yet. You are amazing. I guess having such a connection and need to be there for Bella makes you even more determined. Just know, it's okay to run, if that's the only way, just run, leave, get away."

"What if she is injured and there is nobody else to help her? Is Alice going to watch her 24/7 for the rest of her life?"

"Alice can do that, she will. Bella won't be human forever, Edward. I'm sure, once you see how we all react around the baby, Bella will want to come live here with us, with you."

"What if the baby sings to us, Jasper, and we all want to kill it? What if we can never be near Bella again because of the baby? How can I exist without her?"

"I guess you become her Guardian Angel, Edward, and just intervene when you must, and watch her from afar. Maybe you can never have everything you want. But the child will grow up and leave home, and then you can change her."

"If she is ever willing to live without her humans, and her son. I don't see that happening, Jasper, not her own son."

I sat on a rock and wondered if all this was for nothing anyway.


	8. Chapter 8

His Absence Is Everywhere

Chapter 8

Let's Stick Together

I guess I have entered the Twilght Zone, not only has my dead husband returned but my house is often full of dead people, and I love them all. Rose was a little reserved at first but the sight of the nursery and all the clothes and toys warmed her to me and my coming son. She explained she died before getting what she wanted most in life, a baby of her own. Emmett died in an accident and she was about to be inseminated with his frozen sperm and hopefully have a family but she died when Emmett accidentally hurt her when he visited her, just as Edward visits me.

This sobered me, I really thought Edward was being a bit of a drama queen with his whole 'I might hurt you' routine. Apparently it is a real possibility and threat and I have to accept his absences and not push him to be here more, because when he is away, he is in training to allow him to be able to come here more often.

Carlisle seems on the verge of telling me things sometimes then he stops and says it is up to Edward to explain in his own time.

I feel quite frustrated about that.

I know they are dead but how come dead is so different to what all the books say? I was amazed when Edward started to phone me, and I knew that could happen, and was not that unusual, but visiting? Living amongst the living? Why do people grieve when their loved ones die if this is possible? Why has my Gran never visited? She loved me so much, I was her only grandchild, she spent so much time visiting us as I was growing up. When she died I had grieved so much for her but never a sign, not even a phone call. How come these people can overcome death and not her? Didn't she want to come see me, see her son? Charlie has never seen her or heard from her, I am sure.

I was talking to my new family when suddenly Alice sat still and started into space, as she does sometimes.

"We have to go, Bella is about to have some human visitors."

Funny how she brands the dead as no longer human.

They literally disappeared and I opened the door to find Edward's parents standing in front of me.

I invited them in, aware they were eying my belly, embarrassed.

"Bella, darling, we are so sorry for not coming sooner. It's just been so hard for us both since Edward...our only child. We still battle to get out of bed every day." said Edward Snr.

"I see you have moved on." Elizabeth sniffed, shocked at my condition. I cannot believe I have simply allowed the silence and lack of contact to go on, they chose to grieve together and exclude me, my own grief was far more than they could bear on top of their own. Now I realize I should have seen through my own struggle and kept in touch. They sold the house Edward grew up in, unable to stand his absence and moved away to Boston and never contacted me with new details. But I never looked, never searched for them.

"Please sit down. I am so sorry for not contacting you, I did try but you have moved house? I am carrying Edward's baby." I said, my eyes smiling as much as my mouth.

"Bella..is that possible? How could we not know? Oh Edward, we are going to have a little Edward again." Elizabeth cried and hugged her husband.

Edward Senior looked sceptical.

"Bella, please tell us the truth. I know you and Edward had no plans to have a baby yet when he died. He confided in me that he did not want you to fall pregnant until he had been off the cigarettes for a whole year, he was using that as his inspiration to quit and stay away from tobacco. He said you were being doubly careful, The Pill and condoms."

"Believe me, I am as surprised as you. I never thought for one minute I was able to conceive back then. We never took chances. We had our lifeplan and wanted everything to be perfect. But Edward is happy and wants this baby as much as I do. He even hopes we may have a second child in the future."

The moment those words left my mouth, I realized my gigantic blunder.

I was not thinking, not being careful like Edward had warned I must be. I just felt defensive because they didn't believe the baby was Edward's.

His mother stood and announced she had a migraine and needed to go.

"Bella, honey, we do understand, you needed a reason to stay living, and this is it. I hope you manage okay, as a single mom. We won't bother you again."

I sat in shock.

They left and shut the door behind them and I burst into tears.

They clearly believe I have jumped some donor and got myself a baby and am pretending it is their grandson.

Edward appeared beside me and hugged me close.

"It may not seem like it, but it is better this way, love. They are managing their grief, and I need to be here for you and the baby. Don't let them upset you, we know the truth."

"Do we, Edward? How did I get pregnant? I had a period after you died, I know they stopped and were irregular but I was not pregnant. I think sometimes either I have gone insane or else the pills Dr Cullen put me on are hallucinogenics and none of this is real. Am I pregnant? I feel pregnant, I look pregnant, but how did it happen? How can I be this pregnant but how could I not be? Is it your baby, Edward, tell me the truth."

"It is my baby. Bella, I need you to keep an open mind. I am not strictly dead as you are thinking. I am another sort of person now. The Undead."

"Like zombies? Like vampires?"

"Exactly like vampires. I am a vampire now. Dr Cullen changed me in the store. I had fatal bullet wounds in my chest and he saved my life so to speak, by making me a vampire, like him."

"Um, Edward, clearly I am insane. Let's forget this conversation and go with angels, I liked you being an angel."

"Bella, I am sorry, but you need to know the facts. Come with me."

He took my hand and led me into the forest, then scooped me bridal style into his arms and took off running so fast I nearly fainted.

"I am very fast now, and strong."

He sat me down and walked to a nearby tree, at least 60 foot tall and with one hand he bent and broke the tree, I saw it with my own eyes. The tree cracked and fell, and I shook my head and waited to wake up in my warm bed.

He faced me and I laughed, wondering how far my insanity had gone.

"Bella, it is not a dream, it's true. The others can do this as well. It's part of being a vampire."

Jasper and Alice stepped forward and Alice sat beside me, smiling at me, and taking my hand.

"All true, Bella. Vampires exist. We are proof. But don't worry, we don't feed off humans. But that is why Edward can't be with you all the time, he is new, he has to learn control. It will always be hard for us, and for him, I have seventy years experience and I couldnt even go near you the night of the van crash, because you were bleeding."

I sat still. That night had been all wrong, screwy. The way the van suddenly lifted and tipped. that's not how van's crash. The pregnancy had wiped all this from my mind, overshadowed my thoughts about the accident and how strange things had been.

"Did Edward mangle the driver?" I asked Alice.

"He was angry, Bella, that man tried to kill you. And he lost control. Usually that would have meant, when he smelt your blood, he would have attacked you and drained you, but he had such control already, he took his anger out on the driver instead. He wants to keep you safe, Bella."

"How pregnant am I really?" I asked.

"Some weeks, you conceived the night of that crash. Edward was just checking on you and things got out of hand. You were having a sex dream and calling Edward's name and he lost control. Jasper stopped him biting you but he left you pregnant. We didn't know that could even happen."

"So, I am pregnant but only a few weeks? How come I am this big?" I indicated my swollen belly that held a kicking, thrashing fetus way past the early months it should be.

"The pregnancy is faster than human. We have no experience to compare it to. This hasn't happened before. That we know of."

"So, Carlisle knew all along?"

"He did, he detected the start of a heartbeat that very night. He visited you to check if Edwards visit had any after effects but you didn't seem to know he had even been there with you."

"I thought I dreamt it. Silly me, I assumed the only way Edward, my dead husband, could have made love to me was if I dreamt the whole thing. I just thought it was very intense and real. But it was real?"

"It was."

"And he almost bit me? Would that kill me?"

"It would, but if Carlisle was on hand , he could attempt to change you. Make you like us. It would depend how badly you were hurt, whether there would be time or not. But he wasn't there and I was away hunting, out of range. I didn't know the boys were visiting you or I would have stopped them."

"What's going to happen? Will the baby be...normal?" I asked.

"The baby is half vampire, Bella. We don't know what normal is for a hybrid."

"So, let me sum this up. Either I am insane and expecting a child with an unknown person because Edward and I took precautions and I know I was not pregnant when he died. And you people don't even exist. Or I am married to a vampire and he got me pregnant and now I am carrying a baby that might bite my neck and kill me when it's born?"

Edward flew to my side.

"He won't hurt you, Bella. He loves you."

"You love me yet you are afraid you will try and kill me again. Couldn't you just make me like you? Why didn't you let the van squish me and change me to a vampire too?"

"The blood, Bella. We could never have kept in control, we would have..."

"Killed me?"

"Yes."

"So, what would happen if I bled now? Would you all attack me?" I questioned.

"We would all run, disappear before your eyes, hopefully. Edward did just that in his trial. He ran from a bleeding human and attacked a deer instead."

I considered her words.

" Edward had enough control to run away and attack animals but not enough to stop himself from biting me if we made love. That is how things stand at the moment?"

"Yes, but he will learn more control, he is getting stronger at fighting the urges every day. It took us maybe two years to get to where Edward is already, he is amazing. Like he was born to be one of us." she ended proudly.

"You seem happy to be a vampire, Alice." I commented.

"I wanted to die when Jasper died. I had nothing to live for and I lost my mind completely and lived in a special hospital for the insane, Bella. When he came back for me, I wanted out of my crappy human life and to be with him. I didn't care what it took, what price I had to pay, all I wanted was to be with Jasper. I have no regrets. I never will."

"So, what is the plan? Am I being made into a vampire once the baby is born?"

"We don't know yet,love. It depends on what you want and whether the baby is...appealing to us. If it makes us feel bloodlust,we will have to stay away from you both." Edward lifted me onto his lap and nuzzled my neck.

"No, Edward. I can't be without you again. Don't say that, you can't say things like that to me!" I cried."You can't go away and leave me here behind."

"I will never go far, love. I will watch over you, and the baby, all your lives. We all will." he assured me.

"So, instead of a husband, I will have a stalker?" I cried.

"More a Guardian Angel."

"I want a husband."

"I know, and I want to be that husband, more than anything but we do need to consider if that can never be, you need to consider moving on. I don't want you to be alone all your life, Bella, if I can't be there for you. Jake has always loved you and he.."

"No! Edward, just don't say that! I don't want Jake, not like that. I can raise this baby alone if you can't be here. Plenty of women do just that."

"I know my love but the thought of you never having someone to love you and make love to you...it breaks my heart, Bella."

"Then you will simply have to visit me at night, maybe the baby can sleep at Dad's, I don't know, but you are not leaving me again. Understand?"

Damned vampire, thinks he can make decisions for me? I don't think so.

"When will this vampire baby be born?" I asked, worried now. "What will happen if you can't be near it and I can't either? What are we going to do? God, I hope this is some fucked up dream."

Edward cupped my face in his hands.

"We have to have faith that everything will be okay. Carlisle will deliver the baby at his house and he has complete control, darling. He won't attack the baby but he will know if it is appealing to our kind, or harmful to you."

"He won't kill it, will he Edward? If it hates humans or loves humans, if it wants to kill people?"

Edward looked aghast and shocked.

"Carlisle would never harm a baby, Bella. We can trust him completely. Even if the baby is born with vampire bloodlust, it will learn control as it grows. He thinks."

"So, nobody knows?"

Edward shook his head.

"I'm so sorry, Bella, there is no way of knowing until the birth."

"How is he getting it out of me? Cutting me open?"

"Carlilse thinks a simple C section will be best. We don't know how strong the baby will be, it could damage you irreparably if we attempt natural delivery so it has to be this way. You can be asleep or awake, he has the methods and drugs for either."

I felt strange, this was weirding me out.

It's one thing to have to accept you may have gotten pregnant after your husband died because you have forgotten sleeping with some random in your worst time of grief, and suppressed the memory, that's bad enough, but to know your child is an unknown species, and your husband is dead but not gone but can't be with you for long periods of time in case he attacks and kills you?

I live with dead people.

I am carrying a new species.

It may want to kill me at delivery.

Hell, I want to be awake for that because even if it is some uncontrollable savage, it's our baby and I want to see it.

"Edward, what if I die during the operation, will I leave you behind? Can you follow me?"

"I would find a way, my Bella. We shall never be parted. I would not want to live on this earth if you were not here. Stop thinking, just for now."

He pulled me into his cold side and kissed me slowly and gently and I kissed him back.

I just want my Edward.

"You need to eat, Bella. I can hear your stomach rumbling from here. You can't just miss meals. Come."

He stood and helped me up and we went home and he cooked me a meal. I was sitting at the table when my front door opened. I glanced up, expecting to see Alice, or Jasper.

Charlie stood, open mouthed, looking at Edward.

He walked in and Edward stood very still, and I looked from my husband to my father, and back again.

"I..I'm sorry, it's just that you look so like him. Bella...who is this? It has to be a relative of Edward's. My God, what a shock."

Edward put the frypan down and stepped forward.

"Edward Cullen. Cousin of your late son-in-law. And you are?"

I jumped in.

"Edward, this is my father, Charlie Swan. Funny story, Dad. This Edward is related to our own Dr Cullen, so I am sort of a relative of theirs, too."

Charlie sat down at the table and smiled.

"Unbelievable. I can see why I thought you were our Edward, but no, I can see you are actually a little different now I look closely. But how incredible."

"I'm staying with my Uncle Carlisle, and he wanted me to help Bella, she isn't eating enough to keep herself and that baby fed properly. Would you like something? I have done a whole pan full of scrambled eggs, and there's toast, and bacon."

"Well, that's mighty kind of you, if you are sure there is plenty."

"I overestimated how much I could force into Bella" Edward laughed.

He placed plates in front of us all and served the food.

Charlie ate like he hadn't eaten in a week and I wondered what was going to happen now.

Charlie clearly accepted this was not Edward, not MY Edward, but a cousin. There were enough differences, and besides, everyone knows Edward is dead. he cannot be in my kitchen, cooking me eggs. Not possible. Charlie would grab the non sinister explanation offered, and go with it.

"So, Edward...I am guessing that is a family name? Seeing you both..?"

"Yes, our grandfather in common was Edward. Your Edward's father is related to my father's family."

"And what do you do, Edward? For a living?"

"Well, I am on a break at the moment, just trying to figure out what profession I want to follow.

I do a lot of research, mainly involved with science, medicine, I may train to be some kind of research assistant. Carlisle is letting me work with him, and get a taste to see if it is what I want to do with my life."

"So, you work with Alice and Jasper?" said Charlie.

"You know Alice and Jasper?" I questioned.

"Sure, I almost gave them a speeding ticket but when they gave your address, I figured, what the heck, they are living with my daughter, I owe them a little leniency. That Alice, she is a firecracker. She better not make a habit of speeding though, just because that yellow Porsche has the power doesn't mean she gets to use it at full speed on the highway. Safe driving is vital, Edward, wouldn't you agree? Too many young kids think they can speed and don't think of the consequences. I would hate to see a pretty young thing like Alice crippled or worse. She has had her free pass, next time I book her."

Alice skipped out of her bedroom and stood in front of my father, her hands clasped in front.

"I'm so sorry, Charlie. I am being good, and I would never speed with Bella in my car, I can promise you that. So, you met Edward, here, isn't it amazing? He really gave me a shock, I can tell you, I thought I was seeing a ghost the first time I saw him. But he is different, in lots of subtle little ways, his hair is a mix of colors and his eyes, not the pretty emerald eyes your Edward had. But wouldn't it have been something to see them standing together?"

"You are not wrong, Alice. It took me by surprise, I almost believed it was our Edward, I immediately thought, hell, Bella was right, he has been calling her on her phone because here he is. Not dead after all."

His voice saddened as he realized what he said.

"Damn. We could really use a miracle like that, with this baby and all. Bella misses him, we all miss him."

We sat in silence but I found it hard to look convincingly sad now. When the man you love and lived for is returned to you by some fantastic, unbelievable miracle, how can you ever feel sadness again? I will do whatever I must to be with Edward, he and I will never be apart again.

Jasper jogged into the room, in shorts and sports shoes.

"Ed, coming for a run, don't want you getting flabby, Hey there, Chief Swan, I am keeping Leadfoot here under control, making sure she sticks to the speed limits."

"Right, yeah, good Jasper. You boys enjoy your run."

" Well, it's a pleasure meeting you, Chief. See you later, girls," said Edward Cullen.

Charlie's face lit up, and he shook Edward's hand.

"I can't wait to see the faces on the folk in town when they catch sight of you, Edward. Your cousin was much loved, it will give everyone a bit of a shock, I will spread the word at the station tomorrow so nobody starts calling ghost busters or anything."

Edward and Jasper left and I knew they were hunting. Close exposure to both Charlie and I must have made this extra hunt necessary. Jasper was apparently the one who knew when it was time for Edward to leave and get away from humans for a while.

Charlie chatted with Alice and I watched him interacting, and enjoying her company.

He rarely warmed to anyone new. I hope they can be friends, in as much as it is possible for them to be.

Alice cleaned the dishes and kitchen while she talked and I was shocked to see Charlie pitch in and help.

A day for miracles, indeed.

.


	9. Chapter 9

Her Absence Is Everywhere

Chapter 9

Progression

Today is a major breakthrough, I have spent and entire 24 hours straight with Bella, and not felt a single urge that has forced me out to hunt. I have felt other urges, and Jasper and Alice spent most of the day and night in their bedroom thanks to the longings that radiated out from me. Finally after a hurried conversation, and Alice checking the immediate future, it seemed the time had come.

Jasper situated himself under our bed, faster than Bella's human eyes could see, and I nervously lay beside my wife, and stroked her beautiful soft body.

She now understood the need for caution and didn't attempt to push me further, and the sound of her gentle sighs and the aroma of her arousal were enough of a challenge, for the first hour or so.

"I need you to stay very still, and be prepared for me to disappear if things get out of control." I warned her.

I had no trouble kissing her now, we spend a lot of time just laying on our bed kissing, but she needs more, she wants more from me, and knowing she won't be able to make love for weeks following the delivery, I want to do this one thing for her.

She has been satisfied with my hand or my mouth but I, too, need the ultimate connection back, so with much caution, I hovered above her and stroked my cold erection amongst her wet and eager folds.

Bella moaned and I found myself moaning along with her. I can do this.

I entered her body and paused, she opened her legs wider and allowed me full entry and I hissed as her warmth enveloped my coldness.

Yes, we can do this!

I gently, so very gently, rocked inside her and she opened her eyes and caught my gaze with her own and smiled at me.

My beautiful Bella. I felt completely overwhelmed with love for her, and for the trust she placed in me.

"Edward, I missed you so much." she said, in an almost whisper, as if speaking out loud could

interrupt the moment.

I did as Jasper had advised, and put most of my brain into a meditation, and it definitely helped, allowing my brain to imagine and remember past sexual experiences between us lead to overload, I needed to be completely in this moment only.

Bella laced her fingers through my own and made no attempt to tighten the hold, or to grip me with her legs, so I gained confidence and allowed myself to get lost inside her and nuzzled her neck as I felt her body react and push back against my own.

I know if I could have cried, this would have been the moment it would have happened.

My Bella, my beautiful wife, and I were making love again, and there was no urgency other than our bodies wanting and needing the release.

"I love you, my Bella. I have missed you so much." I whispered against her ear, and I gently sucked on her earlobe.

The gesture or the words took her over and she shook and moaned my name as her body came around mine.

I felt Jasper hover beside me as my own body followed hers and released inside her.

"Yes, oh God, Bella!" I cried as I felt my orgasm overtake me, and I pulled my face away from the tempting pulse in her neck.

I had done it, I had made love to Bella and not even been tempted to do more than lick the skin that covered her throat.

We both laughed in relief and I snuggled beside her, her head on my chest.

"I knew we could do this." she sighed, and I felt like so much more of a man and less of a vampire in that moment.

It was possible.

Jasper had gone but the jubilation we all felt hung in the air and Alice was in my brain, smiling and clapping as she celebrated with us from her bedroom.

"Well done, Edward!"

Well done indeed.

I could not wipe the smile off my face. I had faced another hurdle and cleared it without any problem. I imagine this is how an Olympic athlete feels when he beats his own record, and surpasses his wildest dreams.

I hugged her close and smiled against her skin.

I could be what she needed, I could be her husband.

I felt her body relax against me and lay beside her for the next few hours, completely sated and just enjoying my largest victory to date.

One day, we will be able to handle this alone, and I won't need Jasper hovering, ready to prevent me biting.

He would have done as he did last time, and put his one arm inside my mouth and knocked me unconscious of needed, but it hadn't been necessary.

I wrapped Bella in a blanket, separating our bodies so mine didn't lower her warm temperature and kissed her sleeping face.

Mine, all mine, mine forever. Nothing would come between us.

Jasper appeared at our doorway.

"Edward, let's hunt. If we are quick, we can be back before she wakes."

I rolled my wife away and replaced my body with several pillows and kissed her lips gently.

Jasper and I ran at full speed into the forest and we both laughed and shrieked with joy. Jasper high fived me and patted my back.

"Well done, you were amazing, and I have never said that to any man about his sexual performance before!"

"What's going on? What has our brother done?" asked Emmett, running beside us.

"I just made love to my Bella, without the slightest urge to bite her!" I crowed.

"Fuck! I mean, wow. I am amazed! Already? You are a freak, Edward. You are the freakiest vamp ever!"

Carlisle was suddenly beside us. We stopped and he looked at me and grinned.

"Edward, suddenly the lingering guilt and regret that I have felt ever since that day has gone. You are such a triumph over tragedy, my dear boy!"

He pulled me into a hug and I felt humbled, and truly, utterly grateful at last for what he had done.

"You saved me, Carlisle. Without you, she would be alone, and broken and living a half life, with no hope or happiness. I can never thank you enough. You saved my Bella when you saved me."

It was like a mere hiccup had occurred in our lives. Like we had temporarily been apart and now we were back.

"You will have to practice your new skill a lot, to make sure you have mastered it completely." snickered Emmett, and Carlisle grinned.

"It's actually true, Edward. Now you know you can do it, it would be best if you made it a daily event, until the birth. It will be a further challenge when Bella recovers from the delivery, to get back to this point again, but we know now you will be able to do just that. I am so proud if you, my boy."

We were all caught up in the moment, and suddenly all things seemed possible. Bella will survive the birth, the baby will be fine, we will live as a family.

My joy knew no bounds and we hunted and rough housed, Emmett taking me down and rolling on the ground, as jubilant as I was that I had succeeded where he had failed.

Carlisle had been mere feet from our bed himself, just outside in the hallway, and it would have felt weird to have an audience there except lives were at stake, hanging in the balance and I could not allow myself the possibility of losing my Bella.

I had become accustomed to their constant presence, and it was necessary for now. I admit, I do look forward to the day when my Bella is indestructible and caution is a thing of the past.

I was showered, having become rather filthy from our antics and back in her bed before she awoke.

She opened her eyes and smiled, and I cupped her face in my hands and kissed her for the longest time yet.

"Last night was..." she said, tears flowing down her cheeks. "I just never thought .."

I knew exactly how she felt. We both thought that part of our lives was over, gone, and only memories would remain but now we were back. We were Edward and Bella, in every way.

I gently massaged her breasts, so full and soft and made love to her again, licking away her tears.

She held my gaze the entire time and I wanted to cry along with her.

"Carlisle said we need to keep practising." I smirked as she pulled me in closer and ground her body against mine.

I watched her come undone and covered her face with kisses.

My Bella. Mine.

We shared a shower and I washed every inch of her body and held my hands against the swelling that held our son safely inside.

He kicked and 'spoke' to me.

"Two more weeks, Bella, and he will be ready. He is as excited to meet us as we are to see him. He loves you, he listens to your voice, and he loves it when you sing to him."

She smiled and rubbed her own belly and he pressed his hands against hers, just layers of muscle and skin between them.

"Masen" I said. "he wants to be named Masen. After his father."

"But he will be Masen Masen" she protested.

"No, he wants us to get married. He wants to be Masen Cullen."

She stiffened and looked at me.

"I don't know if I can do that. I have always been Bella Masen. It would be like letting us go, somehow."

"No, my love, it would be like moving on and being the new us. We will always be Edward and Bella, but in order to be openly a couple, we need to do this. You need to marry me, the cousin of your late husband."

"Edward, they never found your body. I don't think it would be legal."

"Carlisle has it covered. My 'body' will be discovered today and we will have the funeral, all of us will be there, then we will celebrate the life of Edward Masen, and I will impulsively ask you to marry me, and we will do it. I know tongues will wag and people will talk, but we can be together and if you forget and say things about the old Edward, people will understand and put it down to your grief and new hope."

"I'm going to be 'that girl' aren't I, the one who rushed into another marriage so fast they will doubt my love for you was as real as it was. Not to mention, they will see you as your own replacement."

"Bella, you and I know the truth, that is all that matters. Our love is endless, and cannot be judged, we have circumstances few other couples have ever encountered, and we have a baby who needs a father. I promise to love Masen as if her were my own, and it won't be hard, seeing he is. I will be the most amazing step father ever, every single wagging tongue will be amazed at my capacity to love this little boy so much. And his mother. They will soon be saying you made the right choice. Believe me, my love."

"He's right, you know." Alice chirped, waltzing into our bedroom, and sitting on the bed. She took Bella's hand in her own.

"Sure, there will be gossip and head shaking at your quick remarriage but I can tell you now, the women will understand and the men, well, men don't really care about anything that doesn't affect their own lives. It will be a seven day wonder, and they will all think this is the best solution for you and the baby. He needs a Dad, a living, breathing, so to speak, Dad. A dead father can't be there for you both. Don't even hide it, no secret ceremony, invite the entire town to the wedding. Rose and Esme and I can take care of everything."

xXx xXx xXx

Charlie sat before us and Jake stood at his side. The pain in their eyes was clear to see and he hesitated.

I sat beside Bella and held her hand as she was told my body had been located. A letter had arrived at the station this morning and Charlie handed it to Bella.

_To Whom It May Concern_

_I cannot sleep, knowing that poor woman and her family don't know what happened. I only took him because I thought I could get him to a hospital quicker than waiting for an ambulance and he had four bullets in his chest. He was unconscious and felt no pain. I didn't realize he had passed until I was about to pull into the emergency entrance. He said "Bella" real quietly just before he passed, so I hope that brings you a little comfort. I have two strikes against me already, I couldn't risk being found guilty of being involved in the whole robbery and murder. I am so sorry I didn't tell you earllier but I did say a prayer for him when I buried his body._

_I am sorry, sorry for your loss, sorry I couldn't save him for you."_

Bella nodded and tears fell down her face. On the bottom of the page was a rough map. Jake and Charlie had located and removed 'my' remains.

Bella's tears were real and unforced.

The letter was bringing back that day and I held her tight and felt the pain she was reliving.

Jake looked at me and I could see his love for her. He wanted to push me away and take my place on the sofa, and hold her to his own warm body.

He was curious about me, wondering why I had never visited when Edward Masen was alive.

Charlie opened his arms and Bella stood and fell into them.

Jake and I faced each other, and he indicated for me to walk outside with him.

I scanned his mind, reading every new thought as it occurred. He didn't suspect anything like the truth, he was simply concerned I was moving in and taking advantage of Bella's grief stricken state.

"Can I ask you a few things?" he said.

"Sure." I answered, knowing I would see the questions before they left his lips.

This would allow me to have the answer he would accept ready.

"Do you love her?"

I nodded my head.

"I do, Jacob. I know it's only been a few days but she captivates me, I never believed in love at first sight before, but the moment I saw her, my heart just was filled with love for her."

He nodded.

"Does she love you?" he asked.

"I think she does. I know she will always love her husband, and I am glad she will never have to choose between us, because she would choose him over me, but I want to be here for her, Jacob. She needs someone. She needs a new man in her life and I know it's not even nine months since he died, but the baby needs a father, and Bella needs me, how can I not step in and be there for her?"

"I am grateful to you, you know. She never smiled, she hardly ate, I knew she was not going to recover. She didn't want me, and she didn't have anyone apart from Charlie. I don't think he would have been enough, in the end. I think she just stayed at first, because she needed his body to be found. Then the baby...that forced her to have to think again. But I still feared every day, we would find her at the bottom of the cliffs. She lived for him, you know. He was her everything, and if you can be that for her, then I am fully behind you, man. I just want Bella to be happy again, and to have a life, and a new reason to live. I'll be honest, I wish to God that reason was me, but it isn't. It never will be. I watched her with him, and I knew she never saw me the way she saw him. It was always him. But if she finds that with you too, than I will always be grateful. Just never, ever hurt her because I will kill you. Your heart better be in this, because she will want all of you. I don't want any girlfriend turning up, claiming you back...nothing like that will happen, right?"

"No, Jacob. I have never had any girlfriend before her. I just waited for the right one, for Bella. I knew she was out there and I found her. I am the luckiest man alive."

"Just love her like your cousin did, that's all she needs."

"I do, Jacob, I promise you that."

He shook my hand and I saw only sincerity in his mind. He loved her that much, enough to let her choose me over him, because that was what she wanted. I felt humbled, and knew he did love her as much as I did. Had I not been able to overcome my 'difficulties', Jake would have been the man for her. I wish I could say I would have been as gallant and sincere as I handed her to him, but I know I would have been so jealous and envious, two things this man seemed incapable of feeling, that I would never have been as pure at heart as he is.

"We never would have found him without the letter." he admitted. "I'm glad it turned out this way, now she can have closure. It's been eating her alive, not knowing what happened to his body. Until you turned up, it was all she talked about. I gather the crazy 'phone calls' have stopped, that she has moved back into reality?"

"She has accepted his death. She knows she has to look forward, be a mother to his baby. It is what kept her going, and if I can fill the void, Jacob, I am going to do it. I don't care what people think and say, if I can be to her half of what he he was, then that is what I will be. I will devote my life to her and their child, our child. He will be my son as well."

Jake patted my shoulder and smiled at Bella, who was walking out with her father.

Jake swept her into his arms and kissed her cheek.

"Thank you, Jake, for finding him." she said, kissing his own cheek back.

"Now you can say your goodbyes and let him go, Bells. Edward here will be a good man for you. It's going to be almost like having him back, you know. They are so alike, and not only in looks. He loves you, Bells, he truly does."

"I know Jake. I am so lucky."

He handed her to me and I clasped her to my side, and kissed the top of her head.

So small and delicate and beautiful.

"The funeral will be tomorrow. Local cemetery. I need it over." she said.

"I will make sure everyone knows. There will be a crowd, just about every single person in Forks has been affected by this, they will all be there for you, Bells." said Jake.

Charlie held out his hand and I shook it.

"Thanks, Edward."

I nodded and we waved them off.

"God, it feels so weird. Like it's really you but I know it isn't. It does feel like an ending and a new beginning."

"It is, my love. It will be even better than before. Now we know how true our love is, and we have been tested in the worst way and come out winning. I will never leave you again."

The funeral was eerie and strange, not many people get to see their 'own body' put into the ground, and Bella cried real tears of grief, and loss, and Alice and Rose were at her side.

I made no attempt to hide my love for her and stood beside her as she said Goodbye to her human husband. It was a loss, and an ending of life as we had known it, and the unknown body was buried under a gravestone that bore my former name.

The wake at Charlie's house went on through the night and he was a little under the weather by the end. Alice and Emmett got him safely into bed and Bella and I spent the night in her old bedroom.

Charlie opened the door next morning and looked at the two of us, entwined in each others arms.

"I need a word, Bella."

She got up and followed him, raising her eyebrows at me.

I listened and stayed in bed.

"Bells, I am glad he is here for you, don't get me wrong, but are you being fair to him? If he didn't look so much like Edward, would you be this in love with him already? I just need you to be sure about what you two are doing. You seem to love him, but is it him you love? Really? Or are you just grabbing on to him so you can pretend Edward never died?"

"Dad, I know he isn't my husband, my Edward. But i do love him. I know the timing sucks, and many people will think it really inappropriate, but the baby needs a father, and I need him, Dad. He makes me feel alive again and I know there will be times when the line between this Edward and my husband blur, but believe me, dad, I do love him for himself as well. I want to marry him, and if he asks me, I will accept. I would marry him today if he asked. Just be prepared. I think he loves me as much as I love him, and I know love is something rare and wonderful and I am not losing him just to satisfy society's rules of mourning. He makes mourning for my husband bearable, and who thought that could happen? I certainly didn't. Edward Masen is gone, but my love for him lives on forever. Edward Cullen is a good man, and he knows I will always love Edward as well, but he accepts that, and he accepts and loves this baby as his own. What more can I ask, Dad? Will there ever be another man who loves me like this? That I can love? I am sorry if we are breaking the rules but nothing will stop me being with him."

"I know, Bells, and I am all for anything that ends the pain for you. Just be sure. So long as you love him for himself, then that's all I am concerned about. He deserves that."

I walked downstairs and put my arm around Bella.

"It's fine, Charlie. Edward Masen will always be the third partner in our marriage, and I accept that wholly. Yes, I do intend marrying Bella before the baby is born. I am glad you are on our side, we need each other, and the baby needs us both."

He smiled and thumped my other arm.

"You are a Godsend, Edward. makes me believe there is someone up there, watching over us. I know Edward sent you to Bella, so if he accepts you, then I do too, my son Some things are just meant to be. I will gladly hand my daughter to you, I am just so happy for you both and for my grandson. I know it's all too fast but I can see the love between you two, and I honestly never expected to see my daughter ever love like this again, so I understand. Just tell me where, when and what to wear and I will be there."

"I think Alice will be around to dress you, and it will be in a weeks time, Dad. We need to get it done before the birth, otherwise we would take things slower. We need to be ready for Masen Charles Cullen to enter the world, and have two parents ready to greet him." Bella replied.

Charlie pinked up at hearing his name included in the baby's names.

"Thanks, kids. You are doing the right thing, don't let anyone tell you differently."

I hoped nobody would oppose us, but we shall see.


	10. Chapter 10

His Absence Is Everywhere

Chapter 10

Edward Cullen Takes A Wife

Bella's Story

My wedding dress was white and cut in a Juliet style. No slinky, slim fitting sexy cut this time around. My baby bump was disguised, which would be better for the photos, so I couldn't complain. Edward was wearing a gray suit, seeing he wanted to look as different as he could to last time, when the human Edward wore a black tux and looked like sex on legs. He still did, mind you, but he was doing all he could to look as different as possible to last time.

His hair had been longer, and he had left it hanging freely, to be tossed about in the wind. He had been for a haircut the day before he died, so his hair was permanently neat and tidy now, which sadden me a bit. I loved his wild locks before. He sat here this morning and let Alice gel and style his hair into neat perfection,

No way to shave, he had a permanent chin of scruff, seeing Dr Cullen had not paused to shave Edward's weekend casual unshaven face before changing him.

I liked the scruff but I knew Charlie was wondering why this Edward had not bothered to shave for his wedding. I was very glad that scruff was there, it felt good, in all sorts of places.

The only thing we were having the same as the first wedding was my bouquet and Edward's matching buttonhole.

Small white baby's breath flowers, pink rosebuds, and purple wildflowers. My favorite mix.

Rosalie had braided my hair into a dozen braids and twirled and woven them around the top of my head, so much more organized and formal than last time, when I wore it out free, hanging down my back like Edward preferred. I still had a long stream of brown hair freely falling down my back, I didn't want to go fully formal. Just enough to look different and new.

The baby turned and kicked and I sucked in a breath. He was so strong, and this week he lay heavily in my belly, making me feel his time was coming soon.

He wanted out, and in a few days time, he will be.

Today is exactly nine months since that day. I need to reclaim the day and make it happy, I cannot be afraid of the 17th each month as it floods my memory of the way I felt waiting, waiting, watching the clock. Calling his cellphone which went straight to voicemail.

Pacing the floor, wondering how soon was the right time to panic.

I knew something had happened but not being able to find out what until the clerk finally recovered consciousness, well, it was Hell.

Now we were a step closer to Heaven.

I had to let it go, especially today.

"Are you sure about the pink shirt, Alice?" Charlie asked for the tenth time. I am sure my dad never wore pink ever in his life.

He looked great in it, it made his face kind of soft and almost pretty but we would not be saying that or he would rip it off and walk down the aisle bare chested.

"You look sexy, doesn't he, Rose?" Alice said happily.

"Makes me wish I was a few years y..older" amended Rose.

"I guess the nerves are getting to us all." laughed my dad guilelessly.

"Here's your something borrowed." said Rose, sliding a beautiful bejewelled comb into my hair.

"And here's your something blue." laughed Alice as she lifted my foot and slid a blue lacy garter up my leg.

"And Edward is your something old, something new." she snickered quietly in my ear.

i wanted to go, now. I was far more impatient this time, I think mainly because the way the baby lay, I wasn't sure Edward and Carlisle were right. It felt like it would happen sooner, maybe tonight. Everything felt wrong, tight, heavy.

I breathed in deeply and bent over and felt all eyes on me.

"Dad, can we start?" I asked, shakily.

Charlie took in everything and grabbed my arm.

Alice and Rose looked outside and Alice stared in Edward's direction and I saw him still and turn to look our way.

He spoke to the piano player and the stragglers rushed to their seats as the music started, and Emmett and Jasper stood beside my husband as I walked towards him down the aisle. His face was full of love and happiness, so like last time but also tinged with concern.

As Charlie handed me over to him, he whispered in my ear.

"I asked the celebrant for the shortest version, so you can sit down and relax sooner." he said.

I nodded and hoped my water didn't break.

I said my lines, and Edward said his, holding my gaze and my hands, and standing close so my belly touched his body.

He turned to Carlisle and frowned a little and I knew he was communicating with the baby and I was right.

He put his arm around me and kissed me as our friends and families clapped, and I blushed and Edward walked me inside again as they all smiled and cheered for Edward and Isabella Cullen.

He sat me down and shut the door, and placed a hand over my belly, under my dress.

"Tonight." he said, as Carlisle walked in. "He's out of room and the placenta has started to fail."

It's okay, that's normal" Carlisle reassured me.

Tonight. No honeymoon night even.

I am sure we will make up for it later.

"Bella, supposing it all goes to plan, what do you want to happen? Do you want to have another baby in the future? Or do you want me to change you as soon as he is born?" asked Carlisle.

Not exactly the conversation I had planned to have at my wedding.

I looked at Edward.

"Do you want a second child?" I asked.

"I'm torn, to be honest." he replied.

"I would like Masen to have a sibling so there is one other person in the world like him but I don't want to risk your life again. What do you want?"

"I want him to have a sibling. I would prefer to stay ...human..like I am, if that is the only way I can have another baby. But we have to have it about this time next year, I don't want to delay too long, I want to be like Edward." I replied honestly.

"There may be no choice, of course. If anything goes wrong, I will change you on the table." Carlisle warned.

The door opened and Charlie walked in.

"Everything okay?" he asked, looking from me to Edward to Carlisle.

Edward's hand disappeared from inside my dress so fast it felt insane, there then gone and he ran his fingers through his pretty hair.

"Fine. Bella is tired." Edward explained.

"Maybe she should lie down." said my dad, anxiously.

"I am keeping a close eye on her, Charlie, in fact, Edward and Bella are sleeping here tonight and from now on until the baby is born. Better safe than sorry." he smiled and put an arm around Charlie's shoulders and led him back outside.

"How do you feel, love?" asked Edward.

"Okay now, when we were standing it felt strange."

"Masen has dropped into the birth canal. that's why. It's what happened at this point. It won't make any difference to the delivery, Carlisle will just pull him back up as he delivers him."

I saw the photographer looking around for us and Edward followed my gaze.

"Do you want any more photos taken? He has taken quite a few."

"One more" I said and moved into the sitting room and sat beside the table that we had placed a copy of my favorite wedding photo from last time on.

The photographer posed us and snapped off a few shots, assuring me the photo would be clearly visible in them, and we were done. Edward suggested he took some couples photos of Alice and Jasper, and Rose and Emm, and anyone else, and some more shots of the guests as a group, and he left us alone again.

The reception was just a light meal and on Carlisle's advice, I merely pushed the food around the plate and Edward removed bits as I faked eating, just as he was doing from his own plate.

I managed to avoid the wedding cake tradition by keeping my mouth shut as Edward pretended to feed me and squish cake on my face and I did the same to him.

Stupid tradition. So messy.

The guests had barely gone when I suddenly grasped my belly and bent over double.

Edward lifted me and ran into the room upstairs that had been prepared, and he removed my clothes in seconds, carefully saving the dress as I had asked, but the underwear was sacrificed for speed.

I shivered and he rubbed my arms as Carlisle and Jasper entered the room. Neither bothered me, I just needed this done and over with. Rose and Esme suddenly appeared and Esme held my other hand and Rose swished some yellow fluid over my belly.

Carlisle injected me in several places and my belly went numb and he smiled.

"It's time." said Alice, appearing with a blue blanket in her hands.

Carlilse carefully cut my skin from below my breasts to my pubic hair, and opened my entire abdomen widely . I shut my eyes, then decided I wanted to see this happen.

Edward was relaying the state of the baby's thoughts and next thing I felt pressure and saw the gray colored sack be pulled from me, still intact.

Carlisle handed it to Alice's waiting hands and Edward reached and took it, and tore at the sac. and pulled the baby free. Masen looked around and smiled at me as Carlisle quickly closed my wound and skin.

An angry red scar lay along my body but even as we watched, it faded and disappeared.

I was shocked but Carlisle just smiled.

"Venom, it heals wounds fast." he told me.

The baby was rubbed down and examined as he was lain on my belly, and I smiled at the shock of coppery hair and the bright clear green eyes.

I touched him and jerked back when I heard a voice in my head.

What the heck?

I touched him again, cautiously.

"Hello, Mommy. I hope I didn't cause you too much pain today."

I looked at Edward, he and Alice were grinning widely at each other then at me and the baby.

"Clever, he can communicate directly with her brain." said Edward.

I kissed the baby and Edward picked him up and Alice helped him wrap Masen in a blanket and then Edward sat beside me and lay the baby between us.

"Perfect." he smiled and kissed me.

"You don't want to..?" I asked.

"No, Bella, he is both safe from us and you are safe from him." said Carlisle. fascinated.

He had gathered the sac and placenta and was examining both closely, and he looked up, and grinned.

"I will take this to my study."

He left, having checked me again and found me healed and recovered already.

I wondered why I was not bleeding, I had read all the books but Edward explained no books covered my situation, it appeared the venom had fast forwarded me to complete recovery already, it was like the pregnancy and birth never happened.

Boy, if they could bottle and sell that stuff, imagine how many women would benefit. have a baby, walk out the door twenty minutes later.

I stood and felt fine, better than before.

Edward cautioned me and led me to the bedroom we were staying in, his bedroom here, and insisted I go to bed after I insisted on showering. Even though I was spotless clean, it felt like I should feel grubby and need a wash so I stood under the water and felt my husband slide in behind me and he gently washed me all over.

"Where's Masen?' I asked.

"Rose is having a cuddle and a cry. Then Alice is giving him a bath and no doubt, dressing him fashionably in whatever the latest trend in babywear is." he answered and turned me around and washed my front as well, then he shampooed my hair and rinsed it clean.

"You are so incredible. Thank you for our son." he said, as he kissed my lips and cuddled me close.

He turned the water off and towelled me dry.

"I feel amazing." I told him. "I could run a marathon, that delivery was something so unexpected, I thought I would be sore for months and tired, I feel wonderful."

"I'm glad venom can be useful and not just destructive." answered Edward.

"Now I definitely want us to have a second child. Can vampires choose the gender of their offspring? A girl would be nice now we have a boy."

"Vampires don't usually have offspring so I am guessing we take our chances like every other couple." he chuckled.

He carried me to the bed and pulled a pretty pale blue embroidered nightdress over my body and tucked me into bed.

"You come in too." I asked and he slid in beside me.

I lay in his arms and thought about the day. We had cut it fine, I almost had the baby in the middle of the wedding.

"I should call Dad and tell him he is a grandpa." I said.

"Tomorrow, let the man sleep off his wedding beers." Edward answered, rubbing my back.

I hitched my leg over him.

"Bella" he growled.

"What? I am healed, no usual post delivery problems."

"And no sex until we work out if condoms will work for us, you cannot explain two babies three months apart."

"Oh, good point." I answered.

"You can kiss me and play nice.' I suggested and he snuggled in close.

"Sleep, while you can. Take advantage of the babysitters."

I sighed and rolled over and he spooned against my back and gently rubbed my breasts and now flat abdomen until I fell asleep.


	11. Chapter 11

His Absence

Chapter 11/Epilogue

The Big Day

"Isabella Marie Swan Masen Cullen."

I signed the Will where indicated and looked at Edward. He looked hesitant. We had no idea where today would lead, the pregnancy had gone just as well as Masen's but twins? I knew we were merely getting prepared to fake my death during the delivery if it proved necessary but the grim line Edward's mouth slid into now and then, and the frown on his face when he forgot to look cheerful and optimistic, I knew he feared I may die today for real.

Alice was no help, everytime she tried to see today's outcome, her head throbbed and her vision clouded and she saw only startling bright lights and stars.

Masen staggered towards us and Edward flashed in front of me so he could grab him and lift him onto his knee, and I wasn't tempted to try and lift our son.

This entire pregnancy had been one long period of worry for Edward. I was glad to find out we were having twins, as I had the distinct impression he would never allow a third pregnancy and I always wanted three children.

Edward, however, had been thrown. He had thought this pregnancy would mirror the first and the day I conceived was the day those worry lines appeared on his brow.

He had gasped and moved closer to me, dropping to his knees and putting his ear against my belly.

"Two heartbeats, I hope to God that's just an echo, or your heartbeat as well as the baby's." he had said, calling for Carlisle.

The confirmation of twins had scared him completely and I knew he regretted ever allowing me to have another pregnancy. He had pleaded one child was enough and he no longer cared about having a daughter, and I had to beg and plead for a year until he gave in, during a moment of weakness. I had told him it was the only birthday present I would ever want.

Masen had developed faster than your average baby but not noticeably so, seeing he cleverly he managed to resist talking in the presence of humans and he had mastered the typical baby stagger, amusing himself, knowing he could run like the wind in the cover of the forest.

He was like some little wood nymph, almost flying as he ran faster than my eyes could follow. He was completely unaffected by humans and could mix freely with even the injured.

Blood held no lure, and he ate mostly human food, but Edward had caught him covered in animal blood too often after his run, he was obviously able to eat from either menu.

"So, if things go bad, you tell Charlie I died, and then you and Masen move to Alaska to escape your grief, and Carlisle will have already taken me and the babies on ahead. What if Charlie wants to see my body, or the twins?"

"I guess we say you died before giving birth." he choked out. He hated even putting the words out there, like saying them made the possibility more real and likely.

He took my hand and led me out to the creek at the back of Carlisle's property.

Alice stood and walked over to take charge of Masen, for appearances sake in case any hikers were in the area and would expect to see a small toddler supervised near water.

Emmett took our son and swam with him to the far end of the large pooled area and they both disappeared underwater. It still kind of freaked me out, seeing my toddler disappear underwater and not even come up to take a breath of air.

The water swirled alarmingly as Emmett and Masen raced each other underwater, forcing waves to appear on the surface of the usually still water.

"Yes, I win!" Emmett yelled as he air punched to celebrate a rare victory.

Masen was like Edward, fast and sleek and usually he won easily.

I looked at his grinning face and he winked at me and told me he had let his Uncle win for once.

Why? I asked silently.

"It's his birthday." he replied.

I frowned, it wasn't his birthday then Masen flashed me a scene of what he meant. It was the anniversary of Emmett's human death.

I enjoyed this taste of what my life may soon be like, communicating with thoughts and not words. I could only do it with Masen, to Edward's disappointment and annoyance but something told me I would be able to do it with all my family once I was changed.

The babies kicked and moved and I sighed, glad human pain and weariness would soon be a thing of the past.

Edward sat behind me and pulled me in close, between his open legs and his hands rested where they inevitably were, day and night for the past three months.

He shut his eyes and I watched Alice's face, I could read what Edward was thinking my watching her reaction.

"Right." he said, standing and pulling me towards the house.

"What's up?" I asked as I staggered along, trying to keep pace. He barely paused and I was cradled in his arms.

"I want them out, now. They are mature and I just have this feeling we have to do this now."

Carlisle appeared instantly as Edward laid me on the table where our son had been delivered fifteen months earlier.

Edward was holding my hand and fighting to remain calm and he muttered quickly under his breath, too fast for me to understand what he was saying.

Carlisle was calm and professional and he made the incision and I felt his hands inside, then pressure, then blood went everywhere and everything switched to fast forward.

I was vaguely aware of both Esme and Rose holding babies wrapped in towels but the looks on the two women's faces were not the usual happy smiles one associates with newly delivered life and they both vanished out of my sight.

I felt bursts of pain as both my husband and father-in-law quickly bit me, along my neck, arms, feet, everywhere seemingly at once.

The fire started in seconds and I could hear Edward's anguished voice begging Carlisle to say they had done it in time.

"She lost masses of blood, I just hope there was enough to get our venom to her heart."

They both listened and I felt their hands on my chest, feeling for my heartbeat.

"Very slow, and weak. I am going to help it, Edward."

His hands pushed against my ribcage carefully and he kept the organ functioning manualy all night, never tiring.

Edward held my hand tightly and kissed my face and alternately promised I would be fine and begged me not to die and leave him.

I was hazily aware of pain but nothing like he had described it had been like for him. I felt like I was underwater and everything was dim and distant and my body generally ached, like I have over exercised without warming up first, and like I was sitting too close to a fire.

I wondered if it meant they were too late, Edward had described his changing as being all consuming and intensely painful so he had to retreat inside his brain to stay sane. I was aware of my surroundings and could feel the coldness of Edward's hand on my own. My body felt numb and my extremities lost feeling. I felt heavy and drugged and like a ragdoll, unable to even flinch or wrinkle my nose. I concentrated on that, surely I could do that one small thing.

The intense effort suddenly changed to blackness and I was floating in a black sky.

I could hear an angel sobbing and calling my name and I could feel a pounding on my chest and I tried to speak and tell him it was okay to let me go, I liked it here, it was calm and a sense of serenity was taking over where my soul had been.

"Fight, Bella, don't leave me." the velvet voice begged.

I wondered if I should. I liked it here so much, and I saw a distant bright light, and suddenly I was moving quickly towards it. It was like a tunnel but the sides were like swirls of gold and yellow and colors I had never seen, and the end of the tunnel promised peace and rest.

I stretched my hands out to stop myself slipping through so quickly and suddenly I was floating back the way I had come and was back in the dark night again. I looked at the bright light as it receded, and felt a little sorry to not have allowed myself to continue down that path but something was pulling me back.

As I drifted faster and faster, I saw a star and I knew I had to reach it so I concentrated hard. The closer I got, the more pain returned to my body.

Fire started lapping at my feet and hands and I gasped and thought maybe the tunnel was the better choice but as soon as I started back towards it, I heard the angel cry again and backpedalled and welcomed the pain.

I knew then I had a choice.

Be free of pain and hurt and know only comfort and serenity but be without the angel, or fight and stay with him, and burn and suffer.

I couldn't leave him, he needed me too much.

I could hear again but the sounds were foreign and made my ears hurt. Whispers, roars, words spoken too loudly to understand their meaning.

I was frightened but I stayed.

His hand was my anchor and my only tie to reality and I concentrated on that connection and stayed close.

I heard him cry many times, when I forgot to keep fighting, or when I let go a little to ease the pain, but always he drew me back as I felt his heart cracking.

I had to keep his heart in one piece, so that was my focus and time sped by and I managed to put both my hands around his heart and keep it whole, press it together so the crack melted away and sealed the gap again.

I felt victorious, I was winning, his heart was whole.

Then the beating started in my chest, I was sure somehow a helicopter had invaded my body and was trying to explode out but now his heart was soothing me and I relaxed and ignored the beating wings and smiled, because I could feel him closer all the time.

The fire was dying down, the flames had left my fingers and toes and I felt the change as they receded and left my body, my heart was last, it burned bright then stilled.

I lay for a moment and wondered what this meant?

No pain, no cold hand on mine, now a warm hand had taken it's place and I opened my eyes and stared into the green eyes in front of me.

Edward's eyes were green again!

Did this mean I had died and he had followed me?

I looked around and my brain registered all manner of sights and sounds that hurt to see and hear.

"Sssh, I am here, you will be okay now." the velvety voice promised.

I smiled and he smiled at me and lifted my body into his embrace.

"Am I dead?" I asked.

"No, my darling, though we came very close to losing you a dozen times. But you kept fighting your way back to me."

His lips felt warm, like they had when we first kissed, before he was killed and taken from me.

He carried me to the creek and lay me in the water and held me up as I floated.

They were all there, watching.

Masen swam to my side and took my hand.

"Mama."

"Hey Masen." said a voice that sounded much different to my own but I knew it came from my lips.

Esme smiled and held up a baby and Rose wept and held up another.

They seemed fine, both looked at me with some expectations in their eyes.

"Our new son and daughter." said Edward, his voice breaking over the words.

"You almost died, Bella. I almost lost you, over and over again. Carlisle kept your heart beating, but you still drifted away and tried to leave me."

"No, I didn't try and leave you. I was going into the light and you called me back so I mended your heart, it was breaking. You said once you left your heart with me and I was to take care of it, so I did."

"Thank you, Bella." he said, and rested his forehead on mine.

My limbs felt lighter and I moved them experimentally, and the water splashed as my body responded.

I stood beside my Edward and held my arms out to him and he pulled me into his embrace.

Emmett and Jasper appeared, just blurs at first, then they stopped and lay a deer at their feet.

I walked away from Edward and looked at the deer. It was dead.

I bent to touch it and suddenly my mouth was on it's neck and I swallowed deeply as the nectar poured down my throat and extinguished the fire that had started to burn inside.

I looked up and saw every eye on me, and every mouth was smiling.

"See, now that's what I call a real vamp, no refusing to drink, and acting like a girl." said Emmett.

My head suddenly whipped around and I found myself running, and I stopped when I was standing in front of some sort of cave with a barred gate at the front.

Two humans were looking at me. I sniffed and wanted to gag, they smelt terrible.

I backed away and breathed in fresh air quickly.

"Edward, why do they stink so badly?" I asked and he frowned and then laughed.

"You don't want to feed off them?"

The very idea turned my stomach.

"No, thank you. I would like another deer, where do I get them from?"

Edward took my hand and ran with me towards the forest and I saw a large stag in front of me and he smelled delicious.

I was on his throat without thought and I drained him and felt his body weaken and collapse.

"You should kill them first, it's kinder." Edward explained.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself. I didn't decide to do that, it just happened." I said apologetically.

"Looks like Bella will be safe to take near humans but we better give the zoo a big miss for now." said Jasper.

The men took my hands and ran with me, so fast everything was just a blur. I laughed delightedly.

This was cool.

We stopped at the house and I looked at what was left of my dress, I was hardly decently covered. Alice appeared beside me and stripped me naked and redressed me in a long, soft blue robe-like dress, and tried to put shoes on my feet.

I kicked them off and walked towards the women with my babies.

Edward was watching me carefully.

"Can I hold them?" I asked.

He was at my side instantly and he held my hand and looked into my eyes.

"Do they smell good or bad to you?"

I sniffed in the air surrounding them.

"Neither. They just smell like babies."

He took one and handed it to me but he was tensed to grab it back anytime.

I looked at the pair of green eyes looking at me and felt the baby speak in my head.

"Mama, we missed you."

"I didn't go anywhere, not really." I said, remembering the golden tunnel of light.

I kissed his head and Rose took him back and Esme handed me the other baby.

I saw pink flowers and bluebirds and soft clouds and I looked at her carefully.

She smiled and touched my face and I saw her remembering me as I writhed and burned and Edward stood over me, holding my hand a crying tears of blood.

"Daddy thought you were going to leave us." she admonished me.

"I would never do that." I promised and kissed her cheek.

"Come with me." Edward asked and I walked with him down to the cottage that was in the very bottom of the garden.

"This wasn't here before." I said.

"Masen wanted to give us a gift, a place of our own to escape to sometimes. Jasper and Emmett helped him build it and Alice decorated it."

The cottage was like those that used to be painted on chocolate boxes when my Grandma visited at Christmas and pulled out her treasures she kept inside them.

The roses and jasmine growing over the walls added a fragrance that almost over whelmed my senses.

"Stop breathing." Edward suggested and I cut off the air supply and the smell diminished.

He led me inside and I looked in each room quickly, they were all gorgeous and beautifuly decorated but hadn't got what I wanted most. Finally in the last room, there it was.

A large, white metal bed.

I ripped the blue gown away and pushed my husband onto the bed, ripping his jeans and shirt in my effort to get closer to him.

"Bella, are you sure you are ready for this?" he asked but I had straddled him and had him deep inside my body by the end of the question and he sighed and allowed me to ride him enthusiastically. It felt amazing, and he smiled and reached for my hips to guide me at the pace he wanted.

I allowed it but I was aware I could slap his hands away, my strength was building up, and I felt stronger by the minute.

Edward flipped us and pounded into me far harder than he had ever done before and I laughed and touched his face.

"More. Harder. Faster." I demanded and he laughed and rose to the challenge.

The bed collapsed and we both giggled at the sight as we threw ourselves around on the mattress, seeking new sensations and basking in the thrill of complete abandonment.

Finally we stopped and lay together and I kissed my husband gently and he grasped me tightly.

"I would have died if you had. I saw you each time you drifted towards the light, but I saw you fight and come back and I felt your hands holding my heart together. That was easily the scariest thing i have ever experienced. I know it was worth it now, but Bella, I thought I was going to lose you."

His voice hitched and I soothed his back and drew circles on his skin.

"I would never leave you." I sighed.

"Where would I go? Even Heaven was lacking without you in it, I knew I had to come back."

"You were tempted." he said.

"I know, it was an escape, a way to avoid the pain but the angel crying made me see I would never be happy there without you."

"You saw an angel?" he asked.

"No, I heard an angel and felt him holding my hand." I answered. "You do have a soul, Edward, and it's beautiful."

He hugged me closer and kissed my lips and I kissed him back.

This was Heaven, here in his arms, my sort of Heaven anyway.

"I love you so much." he said, and I smiled at him.

He looked better again now. His face was happy again, the fear gone.

"Why are your eyes green again?" I asked.

"Now you are like me, I guess I look like you preferred."

"But I can see all their eyes. Carlisle's are such an icy blue, Esme's are hazel, Alice's are warm brown, Jasper's blue like Emmett and Roses. And the babies have green eyes."

"I guess it's something only you see then. We all have yellow eyes to us."

"I like the colors." I confessed.

"Yours are still brown, I wonder why? Maybe because you didn't have enough blood left."

He looked scared again as he recalled the very close call, and how it happened over and over again.

"I am sorry i scared you." I said.

"I am glad I have you for eternity, i could never go through that again. I died inside so many times. I have never felt weaker and more vulnerable." he confessed.

My poor Edward.

I will treat him like the precious jewel he is. Now I have seen and touched his heart, it as so much more important to keep it safe like he asked me to.

We walked back to the main house and I held my new children.

"What are their names?" I asked.

"I wanted you to name them, so you had a reason to come back."

"You were my reason, Edward, that was all I ever needed to keep me here."

"I would like to name our daughter Lucy. After your gran."

"You never knew her." I said, surprised.

"I know her now. She sat beside me while I waited for you to come back to me, she told me you chose me and didn't want to go to her."

I smiled, and knew it was true. Much as I loved Gran, she was not Edward.

"I want to name this boy Edward. It's my favorite name." I grinned.

xXx

The twins feigned sleep when Charlie came to visit. He and Jake looked at the babies and congratulated us and played with Masen, who did an amazing imitation of a human toddler. He staggered and fell, he chewed toys and drooled, he laughed and let Charlie blow raspberries on his belly.

Jake looked happy, and I knew if we had to leave in the future, if the children started developing too fast or grew too quickly to be human, I would miss him.

He told me he had met a girl and he thought she was the one.

I was so glad for him, he deserved a woman by his side.

She had just moved to the Res from another similar Native American reservation and she was apparently beautiful, kind, amazing and sexy all rolled into one person.

Charlie confessed he couldn't stay, seeing me happy again with another man after Edward Masen had given him the courage to move on himself, and he was dating Sue Clearwater, Harry's widow.

"I always assumed I would only ever love Renee, but seeing you move on after Edward died, well, it made me see there can be two soulmates for each of us. I am so glad you met him, Bells, he returned you to life. You look amazing, even prettier than ever. He has completely filled your heart, hasn't he? I know Edward sent him to you and I see the same intense love between you two as there was between you and your first Edward. Who would ever have seen that happening? You loved him for so long, I just never thought for one minute there was another man out there for you. I am glad, just amazed."

I was glad he was glad, and happy Edward Cullen was accepted as my second husband by everyone who knew Edward Masen.

People still talked, many said had my new Edward not been such a ringer for my first husband, it would never have happened.

Others said it was clearly written in the stars. Some even thought he was Edward, reincarnated.

I guess they were the ones closest to the truth.

Eternity was my reward for my pain and suffering when I thought I had lost my love forever, and I was glad how it all worked out in the end. This was way better than fifty years together, growing old and infirm, maybe being left a widow, I knew that pain too well already. I would never have survived it if I had lost another Edward.

I laughed at the absurdity, he was my Edward, my own and only love, sometimes the fiction took over in my head from the truth.

Finally we walked back to the cottage and left the children in the care of our family.

I knew Rose and Esme had a new purpose now there were three children to share.

I needed more time with Edward anyway, we had anew bed to break, I mean, break in.

The End.

(Thanks to anyone who hung around to the end. Now I just need to finish the other two open stories! One story at a time in future! Cheers,Lynz.)


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